faith enough

the ice is thin enough for walkin
the rope is worn enough to climb
my throat is dry enough for talkin
the world is crumblin but i know why
the world is crumblin but i know why

the storm is wild enough for sailing
the bridge is weak enough to cross
this body frail enough for fighting
i'm home enough to know i'm lost
home enough to know i'm lost

it's just enough to be strong
in the broken places
in the broken places
its just enough to be strong
should the world rely on faith tonight

the land unfit enough for planting
barren enough to conceive
poor enough to gain the treasure
enough a cynic to believe
enough a cynic to believe

confused enough to know direction
the sun eclipsed enough to shine
be still enough to finally tremble
and see enough to know i'm blind
and see enough to know i'm blind

should the world rely on faith tonight

--jars of clay

oh yeah..

i think everyone should go to this web page and use this movie checklist, for their own movie prowess (word?) and for my own entertainment. mine is under the name tasecho.

i also learned what the word intrepid means today.

i finally decided to write

work tires me. for the past couple of weeks i havent felt like doing much that requires brain work. just mainly crashing when i get home from work. either reading or what have you. im ok monday, but by friday im falling asleep on the job (almost). my energy decreases exponentially throughout the week. its good though, work is. while the job itself is mindless and boring, the time seems to pass somehow. and i get breaks with coworkers who i like more and more. a couple days ago, the lady i am replacing temporarily was scheduled to have some medical tests that determined if she could come back to work or not. so i had been bracing myself for a possible one or two weeks left to work there: trying not to get too attached or make myself disappointed in having to go to some other temp job. and after a touchy incident involving unapproved overtime, training and my boss, i was sure things might end soon. i was so surprised when the boss asked me into her office and began going over all our holidays between now and january. even if this lady comes back, they still want to keep me on at least until then =) that made my day. i was really going to miss the people there, and wasnt looking forward to starting all over again someplace else.

i think all the crickets are dead. that much is good, but i had a different problem last night.... a mouse kept coming in my room. it was persistent. and i saw it run across the floor every so often. i got up a few times to chase it out the door. i dont hate mice, dont get me wrong, they are adorable little fuzzy things and dont make near as much noise as a cricket. but i can see how they can be pests. so finally i cornered it and was trying to get it out of the corner and out the door again when it just froze behind a crate. i poked it to try and get it out from between there and the wall but it only moved a couple inches. and right when i was trying to figure out if i could find a way to catch it in a cup it jumped into a cup that was over turned right next to it. i got a plate over the cup lid right away and i caught me a mouse! it was so cool. i left it on the dresser with a book over the cup, poor thing was so scared. i felt sorry for it. but i didtn want to go outside just then, at 4 in the morning. i even woke up earlier than i wanted so i could free it but after showing dad what i caught, he pointed out that it looked kinda not-so-good. it held its leg weird and it didnt move much. it was still breathing but it made me real sad. when we set it free it just sat there so we left it, hoping it would leave once we were gone cuz it was scared. i think it might have died =( i dont like killing things, except bugs maybe. i was so happy that i caught it and we didnt have to use mouse traps or poison, but it didnt help anyway. death sucks. its such a natural part of life yet we struggle so hard against it in every way. like we know its not the way life should be. like we should exist forever. i was reading a book that uses that fact to show how we were meant to live eternally. if only it was more clear.

this train of thought got me thinking about my grandmothers that died in the past few years. i miss them. i even found a song that is sung to someone who died.

and i wonder where you are
and is it painless when you die?
and i wonder if there was
some better way to say goodbye

who am i?

warning: this might be very boring if you dont particularly want to listen to me talking about myself.

i was reminded today of the personality test we all took as freshmen in college. that was a long time ago. four years ago i was an 'infp' or an introverted intuitive feeling perceiver. an idealist. i cant tell if i am still, or if that was accurate. for now i'll assume its right since i dont want to fork over the cash to take it again. ive always been interested in knowing exactly who i am and why i do the things i do. im not patient enough to just sit and think it over, i need resources. so i am always happy to pick up a book about it or take these dumb internet tests.

i know i am definitely an introvert. it takes a lot to get me in a group. i dont mind being alone, im not saying i dont need people... i need interaction as much as the next person. im finding that out more and more living at home after being in a dorm. it is nice to have my space, though. i love having my own room. i loved my roommates at taylor and having people just walk in the room to talk, but sometimes i wished i could disappear. i never could really get away without leaveing altogether.

intuitive. i think that's right, too. no, i cant read people's minds. but i can almost always tell when someone is upset or ready to ask me something important. but it seems so easy that maybe its not anything special. maybe anyone can observe others and guess what they might be thinking about or at least what kind of mood they are in. i can also always tell when im about to be asked out. thats cake for anyone else, right?

feeling as opposed to thinking. i do tend to make decisions based on how the outcome might make me feel. i dont like cold facts. i mean, i like history and things like that, but i dont think thats the same. but i do strongly believe there is right and wrong. i might not always base my decisions on this, but i try to do what i think is right. i can be emotional and that gets in the way of my thinking clearly. im not logical either, i dont get logic for the most part.

i guess the last category is where im unsure. perceiver or judge? like the judge, i often want things to be clean and orderly. but i dont act on that because im unmotivated, scared, or lazy, you could say. like the perceiver, i end up procrastinating in making lists on what to do next, and in making decisions so that i can be almost spontaneous. it makes me uncomfortable and i dont really want to choose spontaneity even though this is what i do.

the best thing about this website is it lists not only strengths and weaknesses of one's personality, but what can be done to improve. i find this extremely helpful.
so according to this i am creative, spiritual, aware of injustice, a good listener, egalitarian, and deep. i can mostly agree with that. i am also sensitive to criticism, negative, angry sometimes, self-centered, overwhelmed when someone disagrees with me, judgemental, brood over problems and expect too much of people.

there was great advice:
mainly in a situation i shouldnt do the two things i normally do... compare and judge. i compare others to myself and make judgements prematurely. i could use this suggestion especially,

Think of the people who are closest to you. As you think of each person, tell yourself "this person has their own life going on, and they are more concerned with their own life than they are with mine." Remember that this doesn't mean that they don't care about you. It's the natural order of things.

this is a hard one for me. i tend to think that if someone doesnt spend time with me or make an effort, that they dont care and our friendship is not two sided. the insane thing is that i know this isnt true because i myself do it to others all the time! i dont call or write when i think i should, again my laziness or sometimes business, i dont always make an effort! but it doesnt mean i dont care. so why do i tell myself that there is something wrong with me and that this friendship is doomed when im on the receiving end? another characteristic, when you are an idealist it is hard to meet your own expectations.

so im sorry if i have expected too much of any of you without doing anything about it for my own part.
i did have a great weekend visiting taylor. im glad i was able to see some good friends, and sorry i missed others.

reading

In books I meet the dead as if they were alive,
in books I see what is yet to come...
All things decay and pass with time...
all fame woudl fall victim to oblivion
if God had not given mortal men the book to aid them.
--Richard de Bury, The Philobiblon

i enjoy books. i love a good book i cant put down and a book i'll read over and over. but i also hate it, i hate how i cant do much else until i finish it and how often im interrupted and how reclusive i get.

i just finished a book like that. it was really interesting though, this book had quotes from several other books at the start of each chapter. not obscure quotes, but for the most part quotes from books i have either read or want to read. now i am thinking about reading them again or for the first time...

as if i had that much free time