tomatoes

flickr

2006-10-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

ok, it's been a super long time since i used this site. things get busy and it is hard to keep up with this. i just wanted to say i have a flickr account that i will try to use. since all i have to do is upload pictures (i'll probably have a lot of them in the future) it will be an easier way to share what i'm up to. the address is http://www.flickr.com/photos/melstarr/ and it will be somewhat private, so in order to see some pics you'll have to sign up for a free account and add me as a contact. let me know if you want more info :)

part IV

2006-01-17T20:04:00.000-08:00

so im not in hawaii anymore. unfortunately. but i am back in dallas with friends again. so thats good too. i really miss my family already.

its been a little more than a week since i left, so this might be hard to catch up all the rest of what we did on break. it'll just be some highlights...

on christmas eve we went to the chapel at schofield barracks. it wasnt quite home. i dont ever remember wearing flip flops to christmas eve service. i really missed my home church. it didn't feel like christmas. i still had a good one, but i had to remind myself what month it was. if it was going to be different, i wanted it to be memorable. so we went to the beach on christmas afternoon!

we went snorkeling at hanauma bay... twice! that was definitely one of the best things to do. it was my first time and i was amazed by how close the fish come. i saw convict tangs and leah and i saw a moray eel! my fear of deep ocean water disappeared when i had the goggles to see in the clear water.

we visited lots of different beaches. waikiki, sunset, bellows, ko'olina, barbers pt. some were really good for waves, others were prettier. my favorite that was pretty and had decent boogie board waves was bellows. also it was semi private, being owned by the gov't and closed to the public during the week.

i got to eat at this wonderful sushi all you can eat restaurant with my dad. it was cool, we're the only ones in the family that like to eat fish. i was excited to try new foods and spend time with dad, since he had to work some of the time we were there (somebody had to). it was decorated really nicely with pink paper umbrellas and green lanterns on the ceiling.

i also had the best waffles ever with macadamia nuts, bananas and coconut syrup.

another fun thing was just hanging out with my family at home. i really needed some relaxing time because of the stressful end of my semester. its nice to be able to hang out with leah or read a book. im so thankful for such a memorable vacation with my family. i love it that we could all be there.

part 3

2005-12-24T12:32:00.000-08:00

after a day relaxing at home we went to waikiki for tuesday and wednesday. we stayed at the hale koa, a gorgeous hotel for the military right next to the hilton, on the beach.

its great, lots of green and gardens. a luau place and a big pool. we ate at a restaurant there a couple times. i had coconut syrup on waffles! the best thing ever. the point of staying in a hotel a couple hours from where we were was so we could go to the beach longer and it was easier to walk downtown than parking. traffic is terrible. i never thought i would get to practice hearing some Korean in hawaii but it turns out a lot of the people who live here and visit are asian. they have a couple japanese radio stations and at least one korean one =) oh and korean soap operas on cable. but everyone gets annoyed at me when i try to watch.

we saw a lot of street performers on instruments and those weird mime people who paint themselves and stand there. there was a gold guy, a silver guy, and a 'copper cowboy'.

this is for you Mae, i know how much you love cowboys =) there was also a guy painted in newspaper sitting on a bench covered in newspaper and reading a newspaper. they make funny noises too. like this giant panda person in a panda suit. it squeaked every time it moved!

part 2

2005-12-24T12:25:00.000-08:00

by the way, i've been here about a little more than a week. its very nice to have family live here. we dont have to live out of a hotel and look completely like tourists (only a little) because they have an apartment and know their way around by now. the day after we arrived we drove around the east coast to ft bellows and beach cabins there. we stayed within view of the water. it was neat to hear the waves all night long. we swam, laid on the beach, rented a kayak and boogie boarded. the waves weren't huge on that side of the island but it was still fun.

the beach at bellows

view from the cabin

i'll post some pictures but you can go to tara's blog to see some of the same. we headed back to mililani on sunday. it took us a couple hours to drive around the coast, north, and we saw the huge waves that normally people surf. the waves have been 20+ feet high lately, so no one is in the water much there. we've had some good coconuts from stands by the road. yum, i love em fresh. there's also a dole plantation close to the apt, so we'll see that eventually.

I'm in Hawaii

2005-12-24T12:08:00.000-08:00

woo hoo. its been awhile since i blogged. before i could say it was because i had nothing to say that you'd want to read (Korean grammar anyone?) but i should say something about hawaii =)

i got to leave dallas 2 days early, so i missed the last two days of class. that was great. it turns out i didnt miss much in the way of tests and projects. we got them turned in on time. and i was plenty sick of classes by that time. i spent a few hours wednesday packing up my room because i procrastinated. the dorm makes us move completely out of the rooms over christmas break even if we are coming back in january. bleh.

so my friends dropped me off at the airport early in the morning on thursday. that was cool of them, i miss them already. especially watching home movies without them. my flight was delayed an hour because of ice on the east coast. if it was delayed any more i might not have made my connecting flight. my weird (but abnormally cheap) flight took me from dallas to atlanta to LA to honolulu. it was good though, i met Tara and Dave in atlanta and we were able to sit next to each other on the looong flight to hawaii. hey i just realized that i was really near both Ashley and Jeremy. aww, sorry guys.

we had so much food on the flights from atlanta on. i thought they would never stop feeding us snacks and drinks. its been a long time since ive had that kind of service on a flight, way to go Delta! the stinky part was the choice of movies. there was sky high, not once, but twice! they decided to show it on both legs of the trip. luckily our entire row of 3 seats had non-functioning headset hookups, just static. it was fun, though, flying with family instead of by myself.

when we got to honolulu it was late late my time (four hour time difference). but my parents and leah were waiting for us with pretty flower leis made from real flowers. my first impression of hawaii was that it smells really good.

cant wait

2005-11-15T18:01:00.000-08:00

harry potter and the goblet of fire. that was my favorite book, i think. although i havent read the first few in awhile. i just remember liking the 4th one. and now it comes out friday!

im turning in our final draft of the phonology paper. did i mention working with a partner is hard? but its good for me no matter how i complain. it makes me more willing to do a thorough job so i dont ruin someone else's grade. i have a good partner too. we have a few more things to turn in after this but its good to have at least one done.

also, i cant wait to go to the aukermans for thanskgiving. it will be so much fun. and four days without classes! its almost unheard of. and its cold out finally! i hope it lasts awhile.
Thank you God, you are good.

beatles

2005-11-09T17:53:00.000-08:00

im finding that i really like the beatles a lot more than i thought i would. im kinda sad that i never listened to them sooner. i love all other kinds of classic rock and older stuff (NOT oldies) thanks to my parents who kept a lot of great records around the house (pink floyd, led zeppelin, america, deep purple, etc). unfortunately they werent really into the beatles, therefore i wasnt either. i always liked the songs on the radio that i knew were by them but i didnt always know who did what song. so now im borrowing some cds and getting a chance to see some of their movies and i really like them. way to go me for being late on everything. kinda like me getting a gamecube when they are almost obsolete or an ipod mini right before they stop making them. but its still good!

i should thank God more often for giving people talent. life would be much more boring if they had none.

ok fine

2005-11-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

hey beth, did you write that with the help of babelfish? this is Mae and I for halloween. i just wanted to do something different. we ended up going to taco bell for a treat and watching nightmare before christmas. that was fun. woo hoo. sorry i dont have cute baby pictures to post =)

this is halloween, halloween lalala

2005-11-05T21:51:00.000-08:00

almost thanksgiving

2005-11-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

woo hoo! its november anyway. thats all great execpt its in the 80s. bleh. i will never get used to this. i just want to wear a scarf and hat. thats all i ask!

our last set of classes are field methods, field data management (lab on how to organize and analyze data with this program) and cultural anthropology. field methods is just that, ways to effectivily gather data and other things. for both of those classes we are continuing to learn korean and we are beginning to analyze it.

ive been busy (probably not busy enough) with phonology in field methods. we have a phonology sketch of korean due on monday. it will be good to get that out of the way. then we can focus on grammar syntax and morphology. grammar is more interesting to me.

the swahili grammar problem (final project last session) was almost fun. other than the fact it took me about 24 hours total to do. but i got one of the highest grades! that was encouraging. since i finished it at 5:40 am monday. and dont think of me as a slacker! i started thursday night, even though we had a test the next day. i worked on it a couple hours friday, all day saturday (until 1am) and then another six hours sunday night. everytime i looked at the clock i thought, "good im almost done its early!" but then i would look at the clock again and it would be two hours later and i wasnt done yet.

time to eat. happy 3 days after halloween!

i miss you lady

2005-10-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

not gary

2005-10-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

i'm going to tell gary you said that, beth. of course i will not name scorpions. because if i name them and then kill them its kinda like murder.

i dont have any new good pictures to share unfortunately. im done with another set of classes except i still have to do a grammar problem. its kind of like a take home test only longer and i can work with other people. with sample data of about 20 sets of sentences we are supposed to analyze and write up everything we can about swahili's grammar. crazy, i feel inadequate for the task but its good practice.

it got hot here again. in the 80s and 90s after it was in the 60s for awhile. that was too nice. i went from jackets and hoodies to tank tops in a few days. bleh. i cleaned my room. good for me.

go watch home movies season 2, 'History' in particular.

2005-09-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

This is Gary

2005-09-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

Molly and Mae

Downtown trip

still here

2005-09-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

its been awhile again. im finding it hard to keep up with this while im going to class full time. i'll try and give an update.

the second session of classes is almost done. just a few more days left. i think ive had all of my hard tests for now. im almost done with phonetics for good! that will be about 3 less quizzes/tests per week that i'll have to take. another class im taking is phonology, but that will continue into the next session. phonetics is the study of the possible speech sounds made with the mouth while phonology is the study of language systems, the actual set of sounds that a particular language chooses to incorporate. its a little more complicated than that and i still dont think i understand it yet. i also have second language and culture acquisition, SLACA, which is kinda like practice learning another language without books and courses and things. its learner initiated so we are working in small groups with one person who speaks another language, and we are responsible for making lesson plans. i never though my one TESL (teaching english as a second language) class in college would ever come in handy. it turns out a lot of the methods and things we learned how to teach english can be used the other way around.

so i am learning Korean for the next couple months. its pretty amazing. our group is learning by spending time with a Korean-american girl pretty close to our age. we learn a few new things each session, we spend about 3 or 4 hours each week with her. we have a tape recorder and whatever props we bring, and we are starting to record words from the language in IPA (international phonetic alphabet). eventually we will have to try to figure out the grammar of Korean. its all really exciting but i know it will get harder. what a great idea for a class!

its still hot here. i am beginning to doubt it will ever cool down. i cant wait to go to indiana for thanksgiving. i'll get to bundle up and be in the chill air! i just found out that i'm on the same flight to hawaii as Tara and Dave for christmas. how fun! otherwise it would just be the longest trip of my life.

oh, and there are multiple scorpions around. the other day we killed 3 scorpions in the hallway in less than 24 hours! our doors have a pretty sizeable crack underneath them, so we've taken to stuffing towels under them overnight.

everything is still going pretty well in all modes of life here. i'd appreciate if you could pray that i will remember to thank God and keep Him my focus. it's so easy to be distracted in this environment. there is so much to do and think about.

end o' session 1

2005-08-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

whats new? not too much. i'm studying (cramming?) pretty hard for my two finals tomorrow. i got a test in grammar and one in phonetics. i don't have one in language and society because we did a group paper, a group test and a group presentation all within the past week and a half. at least i'm done with that, all we have tomorrow for that class is a pizza party. woohoo!

so phonetics, im not too worried. each week we have had 1 production quiz and a transcription test. that first one is me pronouncing about 5 or so words correctly for a teacher by looking at the IPA symbols. what is the IPA you ask? why its the International Phonetic Alphabet, see here! the transcription test is a teacher pronouncing for us and us writing it correctly in the symbols. oh, we also had a couple mimicry tests. thats where we spend forever listening to some phrases from a language (last time it was cantonese) and then we go in and repeat them for a prof.

i guess the only thing bothering me about grammar is that we've not had any grades other than hw each night. no other test grades but i'll do fine. no worries.

what im really excited about is our four day weekend coming up. oh and i bought plane tickets to indiana for t-day. i cant wait!

aug 3's the best

2005-08-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

i had a really great birthday. i think it was one of the best that i've had for awhile. i've made some good friends here so far. the other girls on the floor are molly, mae and anna, and my roommate emily. they are all pretty cool in their own ways. i get along really well with emily. its good that we both like it really cold, esp at night when we're sleeping so we have all these blankets and all. i think it also helps that we are taking the exact same classes. emily is a member of pioneer bible translators, a smaller organization, so she is in the same situation with me... having a ton of hw on top of pd(partnership development) stuff. my roomie and i both have a lot more hw than the other girls. its not unbearable, but i think i finally figured out how to describe the workload, its like 3x j-term. the first session is a month long and i have 3 classes every day. a lot of hw and reading.

i get along really well with molly and mae. molly was a music major from central california. she has good taste in movies and is fun to be around. mae and i have a lot in common, we both went to taylor (she was in bergwall a year ahead of me), she loves pink floyd more than i do, and we watch monty python's flying circus. she is a vegan, that's something new to me. we might find a vegan restaurant so i can try some food, but dont worry i will never be a vegan.

so for my bday, the first part was pretty uneventful, except that it was the first time i ever had school on my bday and that i forgot to do laundry so i was doing it in between classes because i needed clothes. i tried to take a nap before dinner, i had about an hour, i got maybe 20 min of sleep because people kept calling me. im so popular on aug 3 =) i ignored a few calls- it was my bday, i can do wahtever i want on my bday =P we walked to the cafeteria for dinner, us dorm folk always eat together (esp dinner b/c no one else is ever there for dinner). everyone made me awesome cards, witty ones with jokes or what have you on them. the girls got me a cookie cake and a napoleon dynamite poster and some redvines. after that we went to get some smoothies with tapioca pearls. yay! then we came back and watched some incredibly funny flying circus episodes. 'no time toulousse!'

so this weekend im spending some time doing a group project, but i dont mind all that much. i have the most industrious group ever. this is the smoothest group work i've ever done (so far anyway).

life is good. thank's everyone who said hi for my birthday, i miss you guys.
thank you God.

dallas

2005-07-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

im finally here and getting into a schedule. mom, leah and i left pa on friday morning after great efforts to pack all my stuff into the camry along with their 4 suitcases. we were pretty tired all that day but we drove about 13 hours. we stopped somewhere after nashville. the next day we took easier and stopped around 5pm at the lovely town of texarkana. i love that name. its ridiculous sounding, right on the border of texas and- you guessed it- arkansas. we met my great aunt and uncle for lunch in tyler, tx and then drove to dallas.

the GIAL campus is much different than i expected. its very green and looks like a jungle (sounds and feels like one too with the heat and cicadas). im actually living in duncanville, a sorta sub-city southwest of dallas. its very different living in a city, well i havent actually taken advantage of it yet. ive been on campus the last couple of days but there is a lot of things to do that arent that far away. thats different for me. ive always been at least a 2o min drive from anything. there is a starbucks and restaurants and malls and theaters within a couple minutes. now if i can only make time to go to these places... today was the first day of class and i spent quite awhile doing homework. i was a bit distracted, but i just finished.

mom and leah stayed in the dorm (different room) until tuesday morning. we went out and they helped me get some last minute things and we ate out too. it was nice having them aroudn but i was a little stressed about getting everything done. i cant get over the fact that it will be a really long time before i see them, six months. eventually i will be leaving everyone for 2 or 4 years at a time. i try not to think about that. my roommate, emily, was already set up when i got here. it was nice to get to know her a little before class got started. the wierd thing is there are only about 5 other girls and 6 guys in the dorm. we didnt see any of them until tuesday.

our room is pretty big (taylor people, think bergwall) and nicely frigid. we keep it cold. its a nice contrast when you walk in from the heat. we have our own bathroom, 3 huge closets and a porch balcony thing. its also very well lit, a welcome difference from gerig. there are about 50 students in the certificate program, about half of them doing the 'mod20' program. that means we're taking the whole 27 credit in 20 weeks. the rest are doing it over 2 bimesters. that would be twice the room and board-yuck. there will be more students coming for the graduate programs next month and we might have a few more students in the dorm. a lot of students have various apartments and there are even mobile homes some share, but i think the dorm is the best option. we're right on campus, so its close to the library and classes. we get free dsl and 10 meals a week for practically nothing. thats good for me, i dont cook. the dorm is really nice with a large lounge and kitchen (dishwasher!)

i met my personnel administrator (kind of advisor/admin contact for Wycliffe) today for the first time. before i just talked to her over the phone and email since her office is here on campus. that was cool being able to talk to her normally. im getting excited, i only have about a month before we start talking about possible assignments and parts of the world i might go to. im still apprehensive about raising a support team but i have to remember what God has done for me to get me this far.

travel and weddings

2005-07-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

so there is a lot going on this week. i spoke at my first church sunday night. it went so very well that i know it had nothing to do with me, it was definitely God working. we've been in indiana helping tara and dave get ready for the wedding saturday. there is a lot to be done. and... i got an early b-day present- a mini ipod! who'd have thought? i was totally surprised, never thought i'd get one but its definitely going to be useful not to have to lug those cds around. the only way im connected to the internet right now is through a cell phone, its not too slow and its only costing regular minutes (which dont count anyway because its after 9pm). i gotta get me one of these cables.

almost done

2005-06-30T13:35:00.000-07:00

i have one more day of TC. these two weeks have gone by fast and the days were full. i went back to the apartments most nights tired and went to bed a little early. its kind of sad knowing that i'm leaving this 'safe' atmosphere. you get used to being somewhere and when its time to change again you feel some loss, even though i know i dont want to stay at training camp forever. it is just so comforting to be around people with similar values and futures.

this morning we heard from a retired member who has been with Wycliffe for 60+ years. he had a great testimony of the way God has worked through circumstances and people to make Bible translation possible in the past. we had time this afternoon to talk about transitions. i'll soon be transitioning back to school again, so that will take some adjusting. but for the most part we were talking about going to other cultures and leaving home behind. i cant even say when that will be for me, its so far in the future. i dont even know where i will be going. i hope i remember what we talked about when the time comes.

im getting really anxious to start something new. i realize this is new, i mean something more permanent. the next phase. back to meyers-briggs personality types... =) we took that assessment a couple days ago. im as convinced as ever im an infp. one of the things we idealists do is always look to the future. i have a hard time enjoying where i am because i want to get to something new. this isnt always good. i dont want to be disappointed or burned out when the novelty is gone.

oh, if i dont have your address and you'd like to get updates about what i'm doing and what God's doing, (my ministry-that feels weird to say!) please email me so i can make sure i keep in touch!

still here

2005-06-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

i survived the first week of training camp. im really having a good time. except for getting up and giving a 10 min presentation saturday morning. That went ok but it was hard to prepare in 3 days that are already packed with classes and learning.

this weekend was a nice break. saturday night we went to the Universal Studio city walk (ie free thing!), ate at some bball restaurant not because i like the sport at all (i dont), and saw a laaate movie - mr and mrs smith at a theater there. it was very entertaining and funny but i dont want to see it again. i guess im getting to a point where a blatant disregard for life is getting old. we got back super late and i had a nice quiet sunday morning to myself.

ashley's family very awesomely invited abby and i over for dinner and to hang out. i got to ride in a sweet convertible for the very first time! and it was great to just get away from the apartments/office complex. it feels like a college campus- not many of us have cars here since we flew in. well im hungry. its time for really good food.

training camp!

2005-06-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

i'm in orlando, florida right now. we got here saturday and have had about 3 days of learning a lot. about what you ask? we're learning about finances and how exactly those are supposed to work when you are raising financial support for your ministry and the organization. we're learning how to prepare and cope spiritually before we go and while we're on the field. we're learning how to speak to churches and maintain good contact with friends, family and partners while away. and most importantly ive been able to talk to and be around so many different kinds of people who are in the exact same place i am right now. some are young and single, others newly married, some have kids and some are retired. but its so encouraging to hear all their stories and to be right there learning along with them.

we're staying in nice apartments, right next to the Wycliffe USA main offices. there are 5 of us single 20-somethings in our apt for these two weeks. my roommates are nice and fun. there are also quite a lot of people who will be, or already have been and are returning, students at GIAL this July. i'm glad i will already know people when i get there and i'm getting more and more excited about what i will be learning since ive been around others who share my interests.

i'd appreciate prayer for me these 2 weeks. im learning a lot of important information and i want to get the most of this experience i can to be prepared for what i'll be doing for the next chapter of my life.

howl's moving castle

2005-06-15T12:22:00.000-07:00

... is what the movie was called, Beth. it was very good and only slightly confusing =) but i liked it anyway. those movies are so interesting and different from your average movie. i love the worlds where they take place. there is so much magic and many funny and interesting characters. im sure a lot of the strangeness of it all has to do with cultural differences, japanese folklore and such. one of the critics said this one was too much like miyazakis other movies but i think that is why i loved it so much.

hot hot hot

2005-06-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

i think this 90 degree humid weather is making it easier for me to go to orlando this weekend. i was dreading being there in the summer, but hey, it cant get any worse right? i mean, our weather has been exactly like florida for the past two weeks. humid days and many thunderstorms. im starting to get used to it. now if only dallas will be tolerable...

at work its a weird week. since my bosses hired my replacement two weeks before i was scheduled to leave and ive been done training for awhile, im doing odds and ends and helping with different things. we got audited friday so ive been sorting boxes of tax forms and figuring out who we need to call to get them. its not all as bad as it sounds. i just keep thinking about how friday is my last day.

leah and i have been hanging out since mom went to hawaii thursday. we drove to indiana for a fun girly wedding shower for tara. it was good to see her. and i got to see beth adn her big belly! that was fun. they seem very ready for a baby, with cribs in every room and a high chair and lots of daiper bag stuff. now that ive seen her pregnant i have to see the baby. i hope that works out.

tonite im off, right after work, to see hayao miyazaki's new film. i was surprised that its playing in not 1 but 3 theaters about an hour and a half from me (as opposed to the 5 or 12 hours it woudl be to drive to new york or chicago, respectively). yay for the nation's capital! so im crossing my fingers that we make the 730 show so i dont have to wait around for the one at 10. because i will see that movie today.

its almost time

2005-06-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

i thought i would be ready to leave but now im not so sure. i have 50 some hours of work left (my boss is helping me keep count-they must really want to get rid of me). next friday is my last day. i wont miss the work i do but i will miss the friends ive made. i was realizing how many friends ive made at the office, i spend more time with them than i do my family. those 8 hours a day add up. i went to the pioneer club (wednesday night church for kids) picnic tonight. it was fun chasing the kids with water guns. but it was even better just sitting and talking with my friends from church as i ate. im really going to miss them all. i wont be home for another sunday for months to come =( just when im starting to really love my church. in a way im very glad that i will be doing something i love and i feel like im taking my own steps for the first time in my life. but i really hope i can radically change myself to be more responsible and much better at keeping in touch. as most of my friends can tell, ive got a lot of work to do.

tara and dave came over for the last time as an umarried couple. we had a fun luau shower for tara. we had leis and flowers and drink umbrellas, lots of fun things. even dave's friends came over for the weekend. i like them a lot, and im glad tara and dave got to see them. we played some dance dance revolution-one of my 3 favorite ps2 games.

oh yeah, i got a new cell phone. my very own instead of an extension of my parents plan. so i have verizon, i hope all my friends do so we can talk for free =) if you want my number email me and i'll get it to you. one warning, while im at home it wont work. we dont get service here, but i can talk when i go places-to and from work, shopping, so forth. so i'll check the voicemail until i'm in orlando for 2 weeks and then i'll be in indiana and then dallas. it should work all those places, so i'd be ecstatic for any phone calls. and its a camera phone so i can take and send photos! i know, im behind the times. but this phone is way better than my old one, that one didnt even have graphics.

i read anne of green gables for the first time this weekend. it was fun, a good story. i kept thinking about my red-headed ashely =) im spending some time trying to get everything organized for wycliffe. i am still putting a list together of people i think might want to hear about what im doing, maybe pray for me and/or support me. i'll also find out more specifically what i need to do when i go to orlando in a week and a half.

whats going on

2005-05-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

a lot. thats whats going on. some new things: i am now officially 'commissioned' as a missionary at my church, along with abby (also with wycliffe bible translators). there was a special church service for us, and we got to see how supportive our church family is... very. a lot more than i had expected. but its getting harder already. i had thought that asking for financial support would be one of the hardest things to do, but now im finding that accepting it 'gracefully' is even harder. that means taking what is offered without feeling guilty or afraid-that i might put everything they've sacrificed for me to waste by failing. whats frustrating is that even when amazing things happen to help me along to what it is that i think God wants for me, i still question Him and need more convincing. but im working through it with prayer and His help.

i have about 4 weeks left at work. im quitting june 17th and leaving the next day for 2 weeks. i will be in orlando for wycliffe's 'training camp' (orientation) after which i will finally be a full member/employee. abby will be going too, so i will know at least one person. i come back in time to go to west virginia for the 4th of july- straight from the airport. then we go from wv to indiana. it will be the week of tara's wedding and we'll help set up and prepare, though im not quite sure what that involves. i will hopefully have my bridesmaid dress in time for that. we had to order it and it will take at least 6 weeks, which puts up 2 weeks before the wedding. whew.

after the wedding i'll be home for about 5 days. i'll pack up whatever vehicle i decide to take to dallas (i.e. the one with cheapest insurance) and drive to dallas with my mom and leah. im glad they are going with me. a two day drive by oneself doesnt sound very fun. and it will be good to have help moving into the dorm there. i have orientation and registration for the GIAL on the 17th of july and the semester starts july 20th. then mom and leah will fly from dallas on to hawaii (where they're moving temporarily and where i will be able to go for christmas) and i'll be on my own. im excited about it and nervous, as i wont be able to actually visit the school before july. i know its small and very connected with WBT and that i'll be learning all i need to know, but still.

im sure there is more thats going on but i'll save it for another day.

moovies

2005-05-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

i enjoyed a few movies lately and i think i'll share.

i saw baron von munchhausen, done by one of the monty python guys. it was quite strange but entertaining and as sarah pointed out, its big fish. well, not actually but the plot/idea behind the movie was the same as big fish only it was made many years earlier. i had never heard of this movie but i really liked it.

another movie that i wasnt expecting to like as much as i did was lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events. i read the first 2 books to see what all the hype was about, and i did enjoy them mostly. but i havent had time to read up to the 20th book or whatever they are up to now. anyway, the movie portrays the first 3 books very well. the kid's acting was well done and jim carey wasnt too zany (not to say he wasnt annoying). the whole atmosphere of the movie was very cool.

and then what will be one of my favorite movies of all time, i think: kung fu hustle. its funny because i didnt even know this movie was out or anything about it until a friend said 'lets go see it'. she described it and i wasnt too sure but then said it was made by the guy who did shaolin soccer and i was in =) chinese gangsters dancing around with axes, too funny. it was pretty ridiculous at parts but i liked it anyway.

now for two movies that i want to see, but of which im wary: stars wars ep 3 and hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. i have to see the last star wars just to see it, and ive heard some good things about it, but considering the other two, im not getting my hopes up. and hitchhikers, ive heard good and bad about it. i'll just have to see for myself.

ice cream and hamburgers

2005-04-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

im not really a 'hamburger person', meaning: while i enjoy a good hamburger now and then, if i'm at a normal restaurant and there are other things to be had, i probably wont order a burger. that said, i had one the best hamburgers ever at this place called 'five guys'. i like that a regular hamburger has 2 patties and you have to specify 'small' if you only want one. i like that i can order things like mushrooms, sauteed onions and/or fresh jalapeno peppers on my hamburger in addition to normal hamburger things. i also think its amusing that they give you an order of french fries by dumping cups of them everywhere in your paper bag, all over your wrapped hamburgers so you have to dig your hamburger out of a salty greazy mess.

i also finally got in on this 'coldstone' icecream fad. there is one of those right next door to five guys. they put ice cream on this cold thing and smash around your chosen ingredients by hand instead of blending them with a machine. i invented my most best ice cream creation ever. it was: cake batter ice cream, reeses pb cups, and red raspberries! ive never had a more delicious tasting mixture. i should market this flavor, but what shoudl i call it?

my laptop apathy

2005-04-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

remember way back around christmas when my computer died? i guess that was about 4 months ago. my dear sister spent hours on the phone with dell and got me a new harddrive and installed it and everything. that made me very happy, but several things still werent working- such as sound, video, and so forth. my dad fixed the sound with all those mysterious things called drivers. but for the longest time we couldnt figure out the video. we tried all kinds of drivers and programs but apparently they were the wrong ones. i was getting some weird errors that didnt quite tell me the problem, just side effects of it- like not playing dvds because my output function was enabled (what the heck?).

so anyway, one of the main uses of my laptop in the past has been watching dvds. after this looong period of not having that (and the fact that no one was ever online when i was awake) i just stopped using it, except for checking my email when mom's computer wasnt on. but dad and i fixed it yesterday! it was as simple as downloading the correct driver (i had tried 2 or 3 already).

hooray! i can watch sports night in my room again!

philadelphia

2005-04-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

i finally went to visit my good friend emily, who's doing a grad program in philly. its sad that its taken me all the school year to go see her. she lives in indiana normally, so its about 6 hours shorter to drive to philly. whats wrong with me? i had a great time. i hadnt realised how much i miss being around friends from school, or even around people my age. i know i got really sick of being around only people my age when i was in college. i missed the little kids and older people, the variety of age. but now i just feel isolated. its not that i want to be in huge groups of 20 somethings again, just a few of my closest friends to hang out with, the ones i havent seen in months.

anyway, i had fun walking all over downtown philly where ej lives. my shoes were falling a part by the time we had walked a couple hours. they were pretty old to start with, but my suburban life requires very little walking- more driving than anything.

we had some great food. i will always love try different foods. we had middle eastern for lunch (lamb, olives, feta cheese, pita bread and real thick sweet coffee) and chinese for dinner (lychee duck) one day. and i got bubble tea again. man that stuff is great. i wish i had quick access to it around here. one thing im really looking forward to about going to school in dallas is ethnic food. lots of good mexican too =) another thing im looking forward to is learning about languages.

i'll have to post a couple pictures from the weekend but i need to download them.

new post

2005-03-30T19:35:00.000-08:00

i had a great time with tara and i even got to see dave, shawn and bethany. the drive was horrible and long. it was rainy all weekend, like it is everytime i go to indy. but the company was excellent. we made some indian cuisine from a cookbook on saturday night. it was pretty good, if not quite as good as from a restaurant. i made and kneaded real bread! but we didnt make it because the dough had to rise.

so i made it. i was accepted into wycliffe. im not a member until i attend a 2 week training camp in florida. that wont be until the end of june. in the meantime i am working and filling out forms. being accepted has made me realise how i hate that i never have confidence in my abilities. let me explain. i have always thought that although i can do some things well (schoolwork being one) i never think i can do anything extraordinary. applying to college i felt this way. i thought that i could never get into a selective private college. but i did, i was surprised but always passed it off as if i only got in because i applied early. or maybe taylor wasnt even as picky as i thought, it was my misconception. in high school i tried out for district choir and made it. i never expected to, and when i did i thought the same thing-their standards must not be high if i can make it. and now with wycliffe, i was extremely intimidated by the whole application process. it was long and thorough. now that i look back, having made it through, i tell myself, they must be desperate for people. the process must just be to weed out those who are not really going to stick with it. well which is it!? do i just psyche myself out while they are really just desperate, or am i a qualified and desireable employee? i suppose its a bit of both. but i wish i could give myself a more realistic outlook from the beginning. which is better, self-confidence or humility? sometimes i think i have all the humility i need and could do with some good confidence. i hope to gain confidence in myself through God.

accepted!

2005-03-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

ive been accepted to wycliffe bible translators, after all that worry. im thankful to finally be sure of something. im still working on admission to GIAL but it looks good. the bimester starts at the end of july. i praying the funds will all come together, with me working and applying for scholarships i should be able to do it.

works going alright and i'll stay as long as i can to earn that last little bit of money. its been a little different, a couple friends at work have been having some hard times. im also being trained on some new stuff while at the same time i am training a new person. its been a bit tiring and stressful. ive been doing some long days in order to leave early tomorrow. leah and i am driving to indiana to see tara. im really looking forward to spending some time with her before she gets married. and it will be nice to see some other friends out there.

im not feeling too good tonite but i hope its just that im tired. instead of staying late today, i went in an hour early. we ate a good dinner at texas roadhouse for my grandpa's birthday. on the way home i bought jars of clay's new cd (excellent as always) and we stopped for icecream. retarded? yes. its 30 degrees outside! but rita 's opened this weekend so we had to.

come bowl with me.

2005-03-09T09:26:00.000-08:00

i miss bowling class. i once got 5 strikes in a row and i think that is something to brag about. so in the spirit of remembering that fun we had, here's a comic.

bibulous

2005-03-06T20:35:00.000-08:00

adj.
means both 'fond of alcoholic beverages' and 'highly absorbent'.

i find this humorous.

how am i not myself?

2005-03-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

i heart huckabees is a funny and interesting movie that has some existential philosophies. well, i couldnt tell to what extent it was making fun of all that. but i laughed pretty hard through a lot of it. i loved mark wahlberg's role, he cracked me up. i need to see the big hit again.

some of its comments on people in our society were pretty accurate, and sad. in particular, when tommy (wahlberg) tells his daughter that little girls like her are in sweatshops going blind and being paid only a dollar a month. the scene was comical and its nice that the character cared, a lot of people dont, but this reminds me of some of the people who went to latin america with me. we learned about so many problems and the tragedies that are regular parts of those people's lives and yes we want to change that. but doing things like boycotting products made in those places may not actually help the people. it can hurt them if it puts them out of a job. even if it is a low paying job it is still work.

anyway, huckabees had a neat soundtrack too. jon brion is fun, he also did some music in the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind.

a long day

2005-03-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

argh! i cant remember what i wanted to write. i sit there all day at my desk doing my mindless work, thinking about all kinds of interesting and important subjects and when i get home my mind goes blah. its been a long day and i didnt even stay late today.

i spent a couple hours at church with 3 year olds running around and hiding under tables and kicking me. see i normally just assistant teach at pioneer club but tonite the main lady didnt come and didnt tell me about it before hand. i had a little help but somehow nothing went right. i felt very justified in coming home and immediately watching 2 episodes of Sports Night to make me feel better.

and a big BY THE WAY... my very good friend Caellyn sent me a surprisingly wonderful present in the mail =) i was estatic just to hear from her. thank you Caellyn- this is bringing back so many good memories of me and you in center suite with our friends dan and casey. i cant wait to see you again!

disorganized.

2005-02-28T20:09:00.000-08:00

first of all, thank you to those of you who encouraged me. it really did help =) and what im about to say is not me despairing, im just going to unload my latest complications. but dont worry, im praying a lot about it all.

i am the most unorganized person in the world. sometimes it seems like there are too many things in the world for one brain to think about. i am easily distracted and sorta unresponsible. i hate all the bureaucrazy (haha that was a typo but im leaving it) involved in everything we do in the U.S. maybe that's one of the reasons im so eager to leave. on to a more simple life. i seriously cant handle. not to the point where im going to go jump off a bridge, but my mind is spinning. every time i am applying for some school, or program, or job, or whatever there is this long list of things one must get signed, transferred, completed, etc. i remember specifically applying for my semester in costa rica. i walked back and forth across campus to all of the various offices from which i needed approvals. it took weeks and i remember the wonderful sense of relief just to be done with it all. so anyway, the reason for my rant about this...

ive been casually thinking about starting to apply for the GIAL. i was sort of waiting to find out if i would get accepted into Wycliffe. so while i was waiting, i waited right past the registration date for the GRE. we'll see if this is an answer to prayer (and not just a pain in my rear) as an explicitly closed door. when do you let things just be? i think im going to call them and see if i can be an exception in their application process. who knows, if its a small enough school maybe i can do something as an equivalent to the test. otherwise i will be waiting another school year. i need a life planner-thing but if i had one i wouldnt look at it after writing in it.

on a happy note, we had lots of snow today and i left work early. see, where i live and where i work are different altitudes so when it snows casually down at work, it may be snowing a blizzard (and sticking) at my house. i called home to see how it was and found out the roads weren't too good. i told my boss i was leaving and she looked at the window to see no snow on the roads anywhere, and said ok with one of those looks. i felt a little bad until i started driving up the mountain and slipping and sliding all over the road. i think i left right in time. praise God for safe driving.

i got a letter!

2005-02-25T18:31:00.000-08:00

a couple weeks ago i sent letters and pictures to my friends in honduras. i was gonna do it the slow/unreliable way but i found out another group was going to the same place. so i got them to deliver them for me. then yesterday i got a call from the guy who was in charge and it said he was back in the states and that he'd send me a letter he got in response to mine. it got here today, i guess it doesnt take that long for mail within the same state. i figured with all the snow (i skipped out on work yesterday) i wouldnt get it until monday. that cheered me up some, that and tara and dave being here to visit. i hadnt seen them in a couple months, not since they got engaged. and not since i got back from honduras. i developed all my pictures and got them put in an album this week. its just not the same having only digital pictures. there is something exciting and real about holding developed photos and flipping through them. so ask to see them if any of you ever see me in person!

the snow was nice but i felt guilty all day. i probably could have gone and left early. it snowed all morning but didnt get bad til the afternoon. i hate that i felt guilty, the only person suffering is me because i dont get paid. they didnt really need me to come in. oh well.

im still working on my application to wycliffe. i sent in the bulk of it before i went to honduras. that felt good to be done with it. then i had to take 2 tests, a biblical knowlegde test and a psychological evaluation. i passed at least one of them. now i wait for results and get interviews done over the phone. one of my main obstacles right now is money. i need to figure out if i can come up with enough to pay for an orientation in june (500 bucks) and for a bimester at the GIAL in dallas which starts in july... im really worried about this. will i be able to pay for everything? should i just work another year and then try again? i think i'd have to apply all over again =( i didnt think this out too well. i wish i knew if i were going the right direction, and if its just that my timing is off.

Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom
and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgements,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?
Romans 11:33-34

i wish i had me some of that wisdom.

radio

2005-02-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

this was news to me today when i turned on an old preset station, expecting to hear rock. i was pleasantly surprised because unlike a lot of places in the country, our area didnt have a spanish station until now. tara- no more 99.1 hfs, now its el zol. sweet.

new pics

2005-02-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

i posted some photos at the link labelled so to your right.

2005-02-07T17:31:00.000-08:00

im frustrated right now. i cant put up the photos on my photos link. i seem to have a limit now that i didnt have before and i cant add a new album. i'll work on it later. i thought pictures might be nice instead of big long paragraphs. here go the paragraphs.

our group was 20 people, all but 5 from my church. there were 10 men and 10 women/girls. so with all that manpower plus 20 some hondurans that we hired, there wasnt a whole lot of building left for me to do. i helped dig a ditch one day but guys kept taking the shovel from me because women arent supposed to work... i put some windows up and unloaded cement blocks from a truck. thats about the extent of my physical labor.

we stayed at a sort of school dorm with a few large rooms with a lot of beds and a kitchen and showers (cold). the work site, mt hebron, was about 20 mins out of la ceiba in the country. two of our older women (one is 84!) stayed at the church building in la ceiba every day to fix dinner for when we got back all hungry. i stayed back 2 days at the beginning of the trip to help them order lunch meat at the grocery store. did i mention i was the only one that knew any bit of spanish? they did pretty well most of the time, but the lunch meat you had to ask for in pounds. i made some peanut butter cookies one of those days too. but the highlight for me was definitely going out to the building site all the other days.

i did a lot of hanging around the community there, trying to talk to the women and kids that just hung around all day. we gave lots of candy to the kids, i hope they dont get cavities because of us. we brought shoes to give them one day and we didnt have enough for everyone. the shoes had rubber bands around them so i gave those to the kids without shoes, and what do ya know they played with those rubber bands for at least an hour! it was so much fun. another day we gave them balloons and later markers and paper. we had a bunch of kids sitting in the church coloring pictures and then making paper airplanes. there were a couple little boys that i really got attached to. they'd bring us flowers and wierd animals like lizards and frogs. we saw some scorpions too. i saw a cock fight, just random roosters fighting in the street. i saw chickens mating =P there was a water tower next to the church that i climbed up on a clear day to get pictures. i was just clinging there on the ladder but next time i want to climb up on top of it.

i also spent a lot of time translating, or trying to. i had a hard time understanding the people. probably for a bunch of reasons, mostly because its been 2 years since i was in central america. also i think they had a funny accent and used some words i didnt know. i had to make them repeat themselves a lot but for the most part i understood. i went along with our guys to the lumber yard and hardware store almost every day to help order materials. i even got to go yell at the block people for not delivering our cement blocks =) it was hard translating construction problems because i didnt understand anything about building in english let alone in spanish. one day they had me trying to ask for a 'flange' which is some piece on a toilet, i had no idea what it was. i had to help order food at restaurants too, so i ate last sometimes. which was fine because it turned out the malaria pills took my appetite away and gave me an upset stomach a lot of the time. so the first week i didnt eat very much, until i figured out that was what it was and stopped taking the pills.

i had a great time getting to know some of the people closer to my age too. during the weekend and the second week i got to talk to alex and walter, two honduran guys that we hired for a couple years in a row now. they know the leaders of our group and were invited to spend the weekend with us. we saw a futbol game, the stadium was across the street from the church in la ceiba, and went to pizza hut and the beach with them. we didnt swim, their sewage goes into the water there. it was interesting to hear some of their views and talk about differences. i miss those guys, i got to talk to them on the phone last monday to let them know we got back alright. im trying to send some pictures too.

one of the disadvantages of being able to translate was having to hear everyone's pleas for money, material or whatever help we could give. it was really depressing hearing everyone ask us for help. and there are so many needs in honduras, life is rough. people needed money for operations, school tuition, and repairs to homes. one old man was very sick and needed a ride to the hospital and medicine. all i could understand was that he was 'gravely' ill, i didnt know what was wrong. we helped him and then i found out when walter and alex called that he died the day we left, about a week later. i wished a lot of times that we could have done more. and you also need discernment about what needs are legitimate and who is lying to you.

so stan, you asked what i brought back. i brought some limpiras, the honduran currency, a keychain for my little sister's b-day, some salsa and a big bottle of vainilla (which they say is expensive in the states and was about a dollar over there). we had a few chances to get some souvenirs but my heart wasnt into. for one thing i have seen a lot of what they had- i went to markets in guatemala and nicaragua which both border honduras. they did have some beautiful things but i think i mostly gave away money to people who needed. i didnt feel right spending it on myself and ive already got similar things for my family and friends. mostly i just brought photos and memories which i think are worth much more.

building houses

2005-02-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

ok, sorry for keeping you in suspense about my wonderful trip. i have had almost no time to write. well, i did spend an hour or so playing metroid prime 2 but i hadnt done that since 2 weeks before i left!

so you're probably wondering 'what did you do for 2 whole weeks in honduras?' the purpose of the mission trip was to build houses for the people there. the whole north part of the country is still rebuilding from hurricane mitch, which destroyed their infrustructure 8 years ago. our church purchased about a hundred or so little lots of land to build houses for retired pastors and their families. because the way the church works there, these pastors retired with no place to live. i think there are about 20 completed houses. in addition to pastors living there, there are (what were-seeing as now they have a place to live at least) some of the poorest families from la ceiba and the surrounding area. while we were there we started 5 houses, finishing 2 completely and getting 2 others to where they just needed a roof, doors and plumbing. the houses are very small and primitive to us, but better than what the people were coming from. they are cement block houses, 16'X20' with a bathroom sticking off the back and they have tin roofs. but they are stable and have real toilets and showers.

to be continued...

im back

2005-02-02T10:26:00.000-08:00

we got home late sunday night. ive been back about 2 and a half days already. there are a few things i really didnt expect upon coming home. the biggest is just how much i miss honduras already. its like a huge hole has been ripped in my chest. i got to know some great people there and it was so hard to leave them behind. another surprising thing, how willing i would be to leave behind this cold and snow if i could. it was a big shock to step off the plane to where i could see my breath again. give me that sun adn 80 degree weather any day now.

im at work, i got more to say than this.

honduras

2005-01-22T16:50:00.000-08:00

hey, im in honduras right now. i forgot to say taht before i left. ive been here a week and i will definitely right more later. gotta go

there you have it

2005-01-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

my sister is engaged =) im very happy for her and dave and i hope it all works out. i keep thinking about this one boyfriend she had that i got attached to. i was almost as sad as tara when they broke up. i look forward to getting to know dave better.

i watched a documentary my friend mike made of a trip he and nicole made to new york. first of all, he is an excellent filmmaker. also, i got to see my friends again! it was like i was there with them. almost anyway. theyre getting married also. hooray!

so yeah, dont know what else to say except im not getting married, i did work on my application to wycliffe bible translators for a good bit today.

longest week in my life

2005-01-06T16:21:00.000-08:00

why is it taking so long to be the weekend? i even had off on monday. it might have something to do with my doctor and dentist appointments, tuesday and wednesday, respectively. thats right, i left work an hour early both days not to go home and relax, no! i had to get pricked by needles and have people's hands in my mouth and do a whole crapload of waiting. so i didnt even get home until late anyway. to top it off, i need to make up the missed time by staying an hour late today and friday. boo! it was really dark and foggy when i got home tonight.

its interesting what i hear around the office. i have no idea if any is true, seems unlikely. my one boss was saying the earthquake that caused the tsunamis moved the earth a few inches on its axis. and today i overheard that the tsunami has somehow altered our weather here- thats why its raining miserably and freakin 60 degrees in january!! i do wish i could go to indonesia and help. it depresses me thinking about all the deaths and kids there.

anyone know where i can buy a mosquito net? i guess mosquitos are huge and plentiful in honduras. ive never used a net to sleep in before, that'll be fun if it keeps bugs off. im a bug magnet. im like izma in the emperor's new groove when she's running around the jungle with a massive cloud of bugs around her head. i think its cuz im sweet, my name means 'honey bee' in greek. oh yeah i almost forgot, a lady from lithuania said my name means 'honey licker' in that language... even better.

lots of fun

2005-01-02T20:16:00.000-08:00

yep, thats right. my laptop is no longer broken! hooray for dell and sending new harddrives overnight. if only i still had my millions of pictures from school =(

ive been have fun here the last week or so. ive had two great 4 day weekends (had to work tuesday, wednesday and thursday--boo). ive seen some flipping hilarious movies and played some good games and had the best food in the world. well, maybe not that last one because i havent been to any indian restaurants recently, but the turkey was pretty excellent. i will now recommend some movies. go see napoleon dynamite if you havent. i just saw it yesterday and want to see it again already. i havent laughed so hard in awhile. not since i saw shaolin soccer a couple weeks ago. so see that one too. and then tonite we saw shaun of the dead. ah, zombie movies are just fun. kinda like 28 days later but much less serious. those british people and their zombies.

happy new year all. its not very different than 2004 but maybe it will be better. im sort of resolving to not put things off as much. it always gets me into trouble and i am realizing that i will always be this way, with my faults and even when im older, if i dont make a conscious effort to change somethings. maybe just the smaller things for now.

christmas eve eve

2004-12-23T13:50:00.000-08:00

thats right, the day before the day before christmas! its a pretty good day despite the rainy-ness. i had to work, boo. but we did get to leave an hour early adn i got a good parking spot (none of the warehouse workers had to work today). now im home and dont have to work until tuesday. tara's here but she has stolen the piano. i need to use some of my rare extra time before mom gets home and makes me clean. i havent had time to watch a movie in forever.

oh and one of the most annoying things in the world is when you are speaking to someone and they finish your words for you. there are not one but two people i speak to on a daily basis that try to do that. its very distracting and makes me, who always loses my train of thoughts, get confused. i dont know if it is their impatience with me or that they try to prove they know what im going to say before i get it out or just a bad habit, but it sucks. two otherwise very nice people with whom i'd love to have a conversation if they'd just let me speak!

its the most wonderful time of the year!

2004-12-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

im in a good mood today, despite me leaving my coffee on the roof of the car until it fell off and spilled coffee all over the roof and door (which promptly froze), despite the lack of snow, despite me having to work until thursday. i was thinking about it, this is the first time in a long time that i have been able to enjoy the approach of christmas and all the things that go along with it. i mean, i have been busy, but a different kind of busy. before i was in school and esp during college it was just rush rush rush with finals until christmas break. and then it was too late to be of any help. but this year i have been able to help pick out and cut down a christmas tree, i was largely in charge of decorating, we baked cookies (even if they turned out ugly), and i had plenty of time and money with which to buy gifts. its nice having a job and car. and at work, what with all the food and christmas music, i am constantly reminded of what time of year it is. unlike at college when days would pass and i would forget what was going on.

i have been listening to NPR on the way to and from work and its pretty interesting. i got to hear about the different characteristics of plasma, flat panel and hi-definition tvs. not that i will ever have one of those. and yesterday afternoon they were talking about new studies on the drug Celebrex and how it increases chances of heart attack or stroke. then i found an article on cnn that says the same was true of naproxen (Alleve). ive taken that so its more interesting than the other drug. i wonder how exactly they come to the decision that one is 50% more likely to have a heart attack or stroke. do they notice 50% of test patients keeling over suddenly? i wonder if this is true of most drugs, they all seem to cause some kind of very uncomfortable if not life threatening medical condition. anyway. im sure thats all boring so im done for now.

2 degrees

2004-12-20T09:18:00.000-08:00

yay for winter. it was 2 degrees when i left home this morning at 7:20. call me crazy but i love when its real cold. too bad this is probably the only time this winter that it will be so cold. the only bad thing about it is we dont already have snow on the ground (that would be kept from melting in this weather) and its too cold to snow.

oh yeah, i have no talent in somehting as easy as baking sugar cookies. ones i tried to make on friday ended up wrinkly and broken or stuck to a non-stick cookie sheet.

my least favorite christmas song is that one 'simply having a wonderful christmas time'. i hate that it is stupid and gets stuck in my head.

cheese balls

2004-12-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

i like cheese balls and cheese logs. they are quite good. and there is a pepperoni dip as well.

do you ever have boring dreams that are so similar to reality that when you wake up you cant remember if it really happened or not? that happened to me and i got confused. i dreamed i asked a friend something and then when i wanted to ask in real life i remembered an answer but it wasnt right. cuz i asked again, for real this time. so much for me being clairvoyant.

or have you ever had dreams where you are not just someone other than yourself (and it feels natural) but you are the opposite sex? is it just me? i always wanted to be a boy when i was little- it seemed they always had it so much easier -but really, come on. where do these thoughts come from?

of course there are also those dreams in which i have super powers that are awesome. where i can open portals right in front of me and i can fly and i dont have to worry about broken computers and christmas presents because im fighting for my life and for the entire world. i wish my life was more like those dreams.

this is hard

2004-12-13T09:25:00.000-08:00

its more and more inconvenient for me to write in this seeing as my computer's kaput. did people miss that or what? i was expecting an overflow of offers to help me build my photo collection again. maybe not an overflow, but a couple anyway. i guess no one liked my pictures as much as i led myself to believe.

anyway, im writing from work. its either from here or mom's computer. i guess im lucky to have that many options. oh yeah, and the library. some good news is that ive seen some snow flurries! its beginning to look a lot like christmas- or winter. both are good. christmas is too stressful though, so maybe winter is better. lunch is over.

3 in a row

2004-12-09T18:29:00.000-08:00

i had a good phone conversation last night. i got a call from someone at wycliffe to tell me about the application process, which is thorough. we talked almost an hour and it encouraged me to be able to hear someone so experienced. i have a rough idea of when i might be getting on with my career. if i get started applying soon and work hard i could be going to grad school for 6 months starting in july and sent off on a 2 year term as soon as next january. this is gonna take a lot of work, we'll see what happens =)

on my lunch break

2004-12-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

did i ever mention that my work is great? most weeks someone brings in some kind of food- cake, donuts, cookies. sometimes we have holiday luncheons where everyone brings in something and we take an hour eating and talking. but they decided that everyone would bring in something each day until christmas. today there is cake, pie, chips, crackers and dip. it makes the monotony more tolerable knowing that i can just walk over and get some munchies.

oh, and watch desperate housewives if you havent. i cant garuntee guys will like it, but who knows? i liked sports night, and that seems like a guy/sports type thing. anyway, its kind of a dark comedy/drama. last week's episode was very good. there are several reasons to watch, not the least of which are that dana from sports night is in it (she's much less annoying than in sportsnight) and danny elfman did the music. it might take a couple episodes to get into it but i recommend it.

it happened

2004-12-07T14:17:00.000-08:00

my computer blew up. well, at least it did on the inside. now all i get are clicking sounds and 'no harddrive', 'no os found' messages. maybe i overheated it, although i used it just fine a couple hours before. last thing i did was talk to beth about her baby's elbows while email my testimony to a mission im applying at. feel special beth. so anyway, im the stupidest person in the world who deserves what happened.. i lost all my photos. i didnt back them up. i kept saying i was going to one of these days but one of these days didnt come before it crashed. i've been told that its possible to salvage things from my harddrive if i take it to someone special, but just in case i have a favor to ask. if anyone got pics from me while i was on the taylor network could you let me know and maybe we can work out for me to recover some? you can email me or whatever. i still have my peru pictures adn all the ones from central america but most the recent ones of friends from taylor are gone.

needless to say, i will continue not being on the internet often (even though i was planning to get on more before this fiasco.) some good news: ive finally gotten back in touch with wycliffe bible translators, or they got in touch with me. its really exciting and i havent really started the application process yet but its fun to imagine me in the near future doing what i want to do instead of busy paperwork that makes no difference to anyone in the world except the rulers of kitchen supplies.

fat squirrel

2004-11-21T20:07:00.000-08:00

i know

2004-11-09T14:37:00.000-08:00

its been too long to keep anyone's interest adn if you have all abandoned this, then thats ok with me. im tired lately and really needing a vacation from work. its kinda weird to be working every single day for more than a month when i havent done that in two years and had such a nice lazy break this summer. its still going ok though, the lady im replacing still hasnt come back even though im still staying when she does.

im going to honduras in january. i cant wait, i miss central america so much and spanish and the food and the weather. i am excited about seeing a new country too, after this i'll only be 3 countries short of seeing all of c.a.: belize, el salvador and untechnically mexico (ive been there but i dont remember it). its a two week mission trip with my church. amazing, i never thought my church would send anyone out but theyve been doing it every since i left for college - it figures. the reason it seems strange to me is that my church is very much populated by senior citizens (a couple of whom are coming on the trip) and, to me, has always seemed much too focused on itself (the weekly offering for building fund being many times that of the missions fund). anyway, im glad we are going.

ive been trying to cut back on fooling around time on the internet and with electronics in general to make time for important things i shoudl have been doing all along. after abstaining from the internet/games for a week i only proved it more to myself that i waste way too much time. when i finally allowed myself to use the computer again i saw the difference and problem more clearly.

about a week ago i got to see jars of clay, only a half hour from here. i didnt even find out about the concert until a few days before. it was great though, better than i thought. they're one of my favorite groups and im so glad i found out in time. ive been listening to all their cds since then and, for some songs, really listening to the lyrics for the first time. im glad ive stuck with them all these years, they just keep getting better and better.

faith enough

2004-10-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

the ice is thin enough for walkin
the rope is worn enough to climb
my throat is dry enough for talkin
the world is crumblin but i know why
the world is crumblin but i know why

the storm is wild enough for sailing
the bridge is weak enough to cross
this body frail enough for fighting
i'm home enough to know i'm lost
home enough to know i'm lost

it's just enough to be strong
in the broken places
in the broken places
its just enough to be strong
should the world rely on faith tonight

the land unfit enough for planting
barren enough to conceive
poor enough to gain the treasure
enough a cynic to believe
enough a cynic to believe

confused enough to know direction
the sun eclipsed enough to shine
be still enough to finally tremble
and see enough to know i'm blind
and see enough to know i'm blind

should the world rely on faith tonight

--jars of clay

oh yeah..

2004-10-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

i think everyone should go to this web page and use this movie checklist, for their own movie prowess (word?) and for my own entertainment. mine is under the name tasecho.

i also learned what the word intrepid means today.

i finally decided to write

2004-10-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

work tires me. for the past couple of weeks i havent felt like doing much that requires brain work. just mainly crashing when i get home from work. either reading or what have you. im ok monday, but by friday im falling asleep on the job (almost). my energy decreases exponentially throughout the week. its good though, work is. while the job itself is mindless and boring, the time seems to pass somehow. and i get breaks with coworkers who i like more and more. a couple days ago, the lady i am replacing temporarily was scheduled to have some medical tests that determined if she could come back to work or not. so i had been bracing myself for a possible one or two weeks left to work there: trying not to get too attached or make myself disappointed in having to go to some other temp job. and after a touchy incident involving unapproved overtime, training and my boss, i was sure things might end soon. i was so surprised when the boss asked me into her office and began going over all our holidays between now and january. even if this lady comes back, they still want to keep me on at least until then =) that made my day. i was really going to miss the people there, and wasnt looking forward to starting all over again someplace else.

i think all the crickets are dead. that much is good, but i had a different problem last night.... a mouse kept coming in my room. it was persistent. and i saw it run across the floor every so often. i got up a few times to chase it out the door. i dont hate mice, dont get me wrong, they are adorable little fuzzy things and dont make near as much noise as a cricket. but i can see how they can be pests. so finally i cornered it and was trying to get it out of the corner and out the door again when it just froze behind a crate. i poked it to try and get it out from between there and the wall but it only moved a couple inches. and right when i was trying to figure out if i could find a way to catch it in a cup it jumped into a cup that was over turned right next to it. i got a plate over the cup lid right away and i caught me a mouse! it was so cool. i left it on the dresser with a book over the cup, poor thing was so scared. i felt sorry for it. but i didtn want to go outside just then, at 4 in the morning. i even woke up earlier than i wanted so i could free it but after showing dad what i caught, he pointed out that it looked kinda not-so-good. it held its leg weird and it didnt move much. it was still breathing but it made me real sad. when we set it free it just sat there so we left it, hoping it would leave once we were gone cuz it was scared. i think it might have died =( i dont like killing things, except bugs maybe. i was so happy that i caught it and we didnt have to use mouse traps or poison, but it didnt help anyway. death sucks. its such a natural part of life yet we struggle so hard against it in every way. like we know its not the way life should be. like we should exist forever. i was reading a book that uses that fact to show how we were meant to live eternally. if only it was more clear.

this train of thought got me thinking about my grandmothers that died in the past few years. i miss them. i even found a song that is sung to someone who died.

and i wonder where you are
and is it painless when you die?
and i wonder if there was
some better way to say goodbye

who am i?

2004-10-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

warning: this might be very boring if you dont particularly want to listen to me talking about myself.

i was reminded today of the personality test we all took as freshmen in college. that was a long time ago. four years ago i was an 'infp' or an introverted intuitive feeling perceiver. an idealist. i cant tell if i am still, or if that was accurate. for now i'll assume its right since i dont want to fork over the cash to take it again. ive always been interested in knowing exactly who i am and why i do the things i do. im not patient enough to just sit and think it over, i need resources. so i am always happy to pick up a book about it or take these dumb internet tests.

i know i am definitely an introvert. it takes a lot to get me in a group. i dont mind being alone, im not saying i dont need people... i need interaction as much as the next person. im finding that out more and more living at home after being in a dorm. it is nice to have my space, though. i love having my own room. i loved my roommates at taylor and having people just walk in the room to talk, but sometimes i wished i could disappear. i never could really get away without leaveing altogether.

intuitive. i think that's right, too. no, i cant read people's minds. but i can almost always tell when someone is upset or ready to ask me something important. but it seems so easy that maybe its not anything special. maybe anyone can observe others and guess what they might be thinking about or at least what kind of mood they are in. i can also always tell when im about to be asked out. thats cake for anyone else, right?

feeling as opposed to thinking. i do tend to make decisions based on how the outcome might make me feel. i dont like cold facts. i mean, i like history and things like that, but i dont think thats the same. but i do strongly believe there is right and wrong. i might not always base my decisions on this, but i try to do what i think is right. i can be emotional and that gets in the way of my thinking clearly. im not logical either, i dont get logic for the most part.

i guess the last category is where im unsure. perceiver or judge? like the judge, i often want things to be clean and orderly. but i dont act on that because im unmotivated, scared, or lazy, you could say. like the perceiver, i end up procrastinating in making lists on what to do next, and in making decisions so that i can be almost spontaneous. it makes me uncomfortable and i dont really want to choose spontaneity even though this is what i do.

the best thing about this website is it lists not only strengths and weaknesses of one's personality, but what can be done to improve. i find this extremely helpful.
so according to this i am creative, spiritual, aware of injustice, a good listener, egalitarian, and deep. i can mostly agree with that. i am also sensitive to criticism, negative, angry sometimes, self-centered, overwhelmed when someone disagrees with me, judgemental, brood over problems and expect too much of people.

there was great advice:
mainly in a situation i shouldnt do the two things i normally do... compare and judge. i compare others to myself and make judgements prematurely. i could use this suggestion especially,

Think of the people who are closest to you. As you think of each person, tell yourself "this person has their own life going on, and they are more concerned with their own life than they are with mine." Remember that this doesn't mean that they don't care about you. It's the natural order of things.

this is a hard one for me. i tend to think that if someone doesnt spend time with me or make an effort, that they dont care and our friendship is not two sided. the insane thing is that i know this isnt true because i myself do it to others all the time! i dont call or write when i think i should, again my laziness or sometimes business, i dont always make an effort! but it doesnt mean i dont care. so why do i tell myself that there is something wrong with me and that this friendship is doomed when im on the receiving end? another characteristic, when you are an idealist it is hard to meet your own expectations.

so im sorry if i have expected too much of any of you without doing anything about it for my own part.
i did have a great weekend visiting taylor. im glad i was able to see some good friends, and sorry i missed others.

reading

2004-10-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

In books I meet the dead as if they were alive,
in books I see what is yet to come...
All things decay and pass with time...
all fame woudl fall victim to oblivion
if God had not given mortal men the book to aid them.
--Richard de Bury, The Philobiblon

i enjoy books. i love a good book i cant put down and a book i'll read over and over. but i also hate it, i hate how i cant do much else until i finish it and how often im interrupted and how reclusive i get.

i just finished a book like that. it was really interesting though, this book had quotes from several other books at the start of each chapter. not obscure quotes, but for the most part quotes from books i have either read or want to read. now i am thinking about reading them again or for the first time...

as if i had that much free time

ha hah!

2004-09-26T17:53:00.000-07:00

another day

2004-09-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

here goes for posting more often. although i dont promise to have anything to say.

my dad was gone for almost a month again, in germany this time. he just got back friday. its really nice for him to be here. not just for his company but its good to have a man around the house again. i dont have to mow anymore for one. but i dont get to use his camry anymore, i love that thing. back to my cool van. the only problem with it was that it was my mode of transportation for the lawn mower, to and from my uncle's. so grass, leaves, all kinds of dirt were in there, not to mention it smelled like gasoline. so i just got done doing the ol' vacuum and fabreze to it. now it smells nice and looks much better. i still need to put the middle bench seat back in but that can wait. or will have to anyway, i cant find the seat.

im just more productive lately. yay. i cleaned my room and my car within the weekend. and i have a job. i even have nice new clothes. lets see how long it takes me to get burnt out. im gonna be driving up to indiana this weekend. a super speedy trip. its almost not worth it to get there late friday and leave early sunday... just saturday free to see people and ashley's show. but i cant wait to see the show, and everyone else, even if its just for a day. i hope i can make another trip this semester and actually stay a whole weekend. not until im done with this job though. mon through fri 8 to 5. i havent worked full time for two years now.

un-bum

2004-09-25T19:47:00.000-07:00

finally i have a job. not a very permanent one but hey, it pays and isnt hard. im now an 'imaging technician'. very cool sounding i know. i'll just let you continue to think that... if you really want to know just what i do, let me know. im very relieved. a week and a half ago i went to a temp agency as a last resort. my applications to various places weren't getting anywhere and i didnt want the jobs that much to call and bug them to give me a job. it is really neat though, when one doesnt have a job and lets others know they are looking, how many people give suggestions and mention people they know in order to help one find a job. in a way thats how i got to applying for the temp place. and they found me a job within a week. my first day was friday, after not much restful sleep (i always worry too much over new things). it went quite well. the work is easy, if tedious, and the people in the office are very nice. i was like a little kid worried about the first day of school. now i just gotta get used to sleeping at a decent hour so as to not fall asleep at work.

i cleaned my room today. it needs to smell less stuffy. but im afraid to open the door for too long. crickets might invade, the ferret will get in when leah has her out in teh other part of the basement.

sing me to heaven

2004-09-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

i miss music so much. it was such a big part of my life throughout high school. choir, band (as horrible as ours was), even contemporary crap i used to be so into. i never make time for it anymore and it makes me sad. i hardly sang at all in college, maybe i should have sacrificed my social happiness to be in that (seemingly at least) self-righteous and self-absorbed choir. just going to church choir practice sunday brought back so many good memories, if you have ever heard our church choir you would really wonder how it could invoke any good memories =)

there are many things i wish i did more often. much better uses of my time. but one of the things i regret most is not improving on the piano. i still have a little time, luckily. and i can at least enjoy listening to other people's perfect performances of great songs. tonite im listening to three of beethoven's sonatas. i happened to glance at the cd book that came with it, nothing more than about 4 pages of written description of the piano pieces. im so glad i did. reading this makes me wish i had taken the path my sister took... a music major. it seems pretty worthless in a practical way if you dont plan on teaching or composing. but the lifelong value of understanding music, i mean really understanding music. thats priceless.

i also wish i could write like this =)

"The left-hand deploys sad, solemn, widely-spaced chords, sustained long enough for the vibrations of the instrument to die away gradually into each one; over them, the lower fingers of the right hand sketch an unchanging arpeggio accompaniment, its shape hardly varying from the first bar to the last, while the remaining fingers intone a sort of lament, a flowering in melody of that sombre harmony." -- of the adagio from the 'moonlight sonata'

"In the finale, the extremely rapid ascending arpeggios are dramatically highlighted, and lead to violently hammered chords. What was painfully supressed in the adagio here pours out convulsively." -- of the last movement, presto agitato

and writing about the happy second movement in the middle he says it's "a flower poised between two abysses".

the reaction reading this is funny. ive never really felt anything much for poetry. maybe listening to the music at the same time helped. oh another weird thing, this is a translation from italian. i wish i could someday translate to english in this way.

just doing a little sharing, sorry if ive bored you =)

why?

2004-09-19T01:15:00.000-07:00

why am i up so late? i dotn know why i do this to myself.

why were there tornados in the mountains? so it seems like one came through this way. not close to my house, but there were some fallen trees a mile down the road and the guard rail's all bent up in several places. craziness.

why did my newfound happiness in watching alias season 3 not last as long as it shouldve? i think im very close to giving up on blockbuster altogether. i ask why 24 season 1 disc 5 is not there and has never been there as far as im concerned. they say, ''we dont know, too bad''. i ask if they can order it, replace it, something. no of course not. that woudl be too easy and customers would like it too much. gotta piss them off some how. they tell me, go to a different blockbuster. so i do that. i go 30 min out of my way, where theyre supposed to have this dvd. they do! but its rented. and luckily, i thought, i saw vol 1 of alias season 3 on the shelf! so i got it. all happy cuz i thought i'd never see the day when the stores near me would have it for rent (ours still has season 1 on the new release shelf...no season 2). i went back to get vol 2 and whaddaya know? NO VOLUME 2!! ive never been so frustrated. well not recently anyway. they have vol 1 and 3, they either lost vol. 2 (after less than a week on the shelf!) or they never got it. and who knows if they will ever bother ordering a new one. my guess is no. and their attitude is just great. ''too bad, its your problem i just work here''. maybe it'd be worth all this trouble if they would at least honor the 2 free movie pass deal at other stores, not charge full price. grrrr.... why do i even care?

fuzzy pics

2004-09-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

there's been some more demand... for some ferret photos. now understand that its really hard to photograph my ferret. she doenst stay still long enough. even when she's tired and just laying there, as soon as i get the camera out she's all sniffing and moving. notice her nose in the lens a good part of the time. and forget about taking one without the flash.

some curious nose

more nose

yummy vitamins

the plop pose, after running around too much

i think my battle against the crickets has been won. final score: crickets 2 (nights keeping me awake), me 3 (dead crickets). i used to have a hang up against squashing them, what wiht the gross sound and guts splooshing out. not no more. better a squished cricket than a loud one.

abysses

2004-09-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

hail canada!

anyway, ive been having a great old time. bracing for flooded basements (which luckily didnt happen yet), making food, and driving some more. one of my favorite effects from the rain happens at night while driving. i dont really enjoy driving in teh rain but sometimes it can be cool. see, its when the street has enough water covering it to make every light you pass seem to stretch and disappear in a black abyss below. its amazing. like im driving on a lake or in some futuristic city where the cars float high above the surface. i know i sound like a freak, i probalby drive like one also, swerving from looking down at the street and not up at traffic. but its cool. i pity those that live in places where it *never* rains. but i also pity people that live in places where 3 hurricanes devastate your town in a month. it seems to me like God did not create florida to be inhabited.

thats right. im learning to cook. kidna. but cooking is such hard work, especially for people that cant do more than one thing at a time. thats me. im running all over the kitchen freaking out cuz i can tdo the spaghetti while im supposed to be adding cheese to chicken and spice mix. ohwell. i guess i'll learn. at least i know to wash hands after handling chicken.

ok. i guess thats enough of sharing my mundane existence for one night. thanks for reading!

new ferret

2004-09-04T18:48:00.000-07:00

my uncle was feeling lonely so he gots himself a baby ferret. after driving for 2 hours (me getting us lost) to the ferret farm we went in to get it. so we walk in the door and fill out papers and the whole time we hear what sounds like a shrill bird coming from the back of the room. it turns out they had already got the ferret in this box in the back. since we were an hour late this poor thing, 8 weeks old and never been away from its litter, had be in a box by itself the whole time squealing and shrieking in terror. it was so pathetic, and adorable. luckily we brough lady with us and the presence of another ferret calmed him. he still cried a lot in the night we kept him. so sad, like a little baby who's cried too much to catch its breath. he bugged the heck out of lady though. kept following her and biting her (playing). oh yeah, he bites us too =/ here's a couple pictures of sam (much better name).

in case you cant tell what youre looking at, this is lady (right) and sam (left) sleeping together. see how small he is.
oh yeah, thats just the travel cage, the reg one is much bigger.

i took this awhile ago. lady's legs are stickin up in all directions as she sleeps curled up, chin in the air.

waking life and moons

2004-08-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

"Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming is dead and no one does it anymore. It's not dead, it's just been forgotten, removed from our language. Nobody teaches it, so nobody knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well, I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too.....by dreaming, everyday. Dreaming with our hands and dreaming with our minds. Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced...ever. So, whatever you do, don't be bored. This is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive, and things are just starting."

thought provoking quote from waking life, i just watched it. i love to hear people talk about life and dreams and the world, you know, if they really know what they're talking about. the wisdom in it. the quote is also kinda cliche sounding about 'dreaming' and being a 'dreamer'. but the part about our world right now is what struck me. 'whatever you do, dont be bored'! how right he is. i have no right to be bored, ever. there is so much to do in life. so many other people. i just need to be motivated, not waste time.

i was driving home tonight and i saw the brightest moon ive seen in a long time. it was beautiful. there were shadows under the trees. i wish i could have just sat there forever, but it was late. i shoudl be more impulsive, follow my instincts.

idiot kids

2004-08-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

i was just reading amanda's blog in which she lets us read some stuff she wrote as a kid. its cool looking at things from my childhood. last year when we moved i got to read through a lot from elementary school and see some pictures i drew and those cute little hand paintings where you see how freakin small you used to be. i just saw something else my mom had lying around. it was this book made of pages that everyone in my 3rd grade class drew for me. its funny that my favorite things back then were almost the same as now.. nintendo anyone? haha. so this one kid had a drawing of me outside. i need to scan this thing so you can witness the hilarity.

some of the words coming out of my mouth in one of those little bubbles are 'I smile food'.

thats all for now.

sleep in august

2004-08-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

sleep... does one ever grow out of this wanting to sleep in as late as one can? i dont get most of the world. i mean, i do understand that in order to make a living and not get fired it might not be an option. but what about saturdays? is sleeping not enjoyable after a certain point in life? i guess its wasted time in a way. i felt that way in college. more time sleeping was less time talking or playing or doing whatever you do. but after 4 years on very little sleep and having no motivation right now, i dont mind sleeping until 10 or so. then there is the other side of the spectrum. people who can sleep for 12 hours a night, many days in a row. i dont get that either. it takes me some mighty willpower to achieve that kind of nonsense. much waking up and forcing myself back asleep. its just not worth it.

it was hot as ever today. i wonder why i was born in the worst month of the year. its the most miserable the most often. the humidity, the heat... i never got birthday pencils at school, never got to have a party and bring cupckes. everyone else did. and then people say 'at least you can have a pool party for your bday'. ha! it sounds good, but watch out. what do you do the rest of the time your arent in the water? swatting all kinds of bees. your ice cream cake all melting. no thanks, i'd rather have a 'snowball fight party'. thank God for a.c. and snow.

another weird thing.. i found a little wasp nest being built in the back back part of my van. ack! as if it wasnt pleasing enough to drive, i get to have little bug friends to sting me and make me crash. i almost freaked out today when this green flying bug fluttered to the front passenger seat. luckily my sis was there to usher it out. oh and when i opened a screen door today some bug flew in my eye. no luck with the bugs.

im back!

2004-08-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

well, im not really that enthusiastic about it. i think i just had the best beach experience i can remember. it was wonderful mostly because of the weather. who's ever heard or south carolina (or anywhere in the east for that matter) not being humid in august? i loved it. i wanted to be outside. i swam. i sat on the balcony of our friends' 8th floor condo =) we had good food many times, and boy does swimming make me hungry.

i got to read a lot too, on the beach and the balcony. and this time it wasnt crappy fiction! it was one book about spiritual disciplines, some politics (gotta get knowlegeable what with the election coming up), and this encyclopedia of n. american wildlife. quite the variety but all interesting. i think it was nice to be away. it was nice to be around my whole family.

i need to write again once i get some more pics downloaded. we visited an awesome aquarium in myrtle beach and i need to share my amazement.

about these politics... at this point i cant say who i'd vote for. i need more info, but even then it will be hard. im not a fan of either candidate but im looking for the lesser evil. come on, bush just seems like a screw up to me. i cant vote for him just because he's a christian. that just seems wrong. like im not giving it enough thought or scrutiny. he oversimplifies the most complex of problems and i think its not entirely honest. thats a bad witness as a christian, a non-thinking person. and then there is super liberal kerry with his scary wife. who knows what he would do to our country. i hardly know a thing about him. it is gonna take a lot of work for me to figure this out for myself. haha. maybe my vote will even 'make a difference'. i was going through my mail and foudn a letter from our senator begging for money and saying that the pa election might turn out to be as close as florida in 2000!! oh joy.

ah. its good to be home. sleepin on my own bed. well, at least last night. now there's company. ive been doing things like playing that nintendo (yay!) and breaking light fixtures. im such a klutz. i thought'd i'd do dad a favor and change some light bulbs but instead i ended up vacuuming glass from our berber carpet while he pried the broken light bulb out of the fixture =( sigh. on a happier note i now own spirited away, a bday gift from my sis. i should watch that again. excellent movie.

i finally put a new pic on my profile but for some reason it isnt showing up at the top of the blog page, it is just when you click on the old one and go to the profile page. maybe someone could help with this...

and another...

2004-08-03T22:25:00.000-07:00

i took a quick little jog out to indiana for the weekend. its always fun to drive 10 hours to stay 2 days and then come right back (driving ten more quick hours on one's birthday nonetheless). but i was in good company at least. and i got to go to the best indian restaraunt in indy. so im back, for a day. then we go to south carolina, however far that is, for a family vacation. wow, we'll all be together. that hasnt happened all summer. tara lives away of course, dad's had this business tripfor the whole month of july and mom just got back from idaho.

i forgot to publically thank a friend (you know who you are) for helping me fix my wireless card/my whole ip system. this person is more ingenious over aim than two hours worth of tech support over the phone. so thanks.

and thanks hollandians for your support. its always good to be ranked right up there with sausage, beer and clogs. i'll try not to disappoint you, although this vacation will make it hard for me to 'content more on a day' seeing how i will be gone for a week or so. and if that comment was from one of you in holland, michigan... how disappointing a joke for me. i wouldnt mind an international following =)

new post

2004-07-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

its been awhile and ive been busy. too much running around and vbs. not enough metroid =) by the way i had an annoying experience last night. i played for about an hour, got pretty far. it was getting harder and harder and try as i might i couldtn find a save point. died. nothign worse than completely wasting an entire hour. i know, i know, video games are a waste of time. but having nothing to show for it is even worse. having to waste that hour again... ugh.

tomorrow's joe's birfday so we celebrated today. got a hamburger cake. it was cool looking, regular cake that looked like a huge hamburger and fries, icing fixtures. yum. im just realizing how many people i know that have a birthday in this last week of july and first week of august.

sorry stan, no comics yet. ive been busy. and no new pic of me yet, althogh i want to take one before my hair freaks out. its always the best right after haircuts. oh and that picture there right now is not recent at all. my hair was way past my shoulders until i just cut it. that pic is from my sophomore year of college. feels like so long ago. anyway, no new picture because i have no digital cameras here at the moment.

hmm, this is no essay. i would like to write about something substantial and serious sometime but i cant seem to make my brain function at night. so much surfacy thoughts come to mind. maybe next time. for now, see this weird and disturbing site.

just in time

2004-07-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

whew. i mowed the lawn today (a lawn so much larger than anyone coudl possibly need). i cant even tell i mowed it. as far as im concerned, people mow these things too often. but im so glad i did it when i did. as i was mowing i saw storm clouds rapidly approaching. it started pouring 10 min after i finished. thank the Lordy.

my hair is finally short. feels so good to be able to wash it in a matter of seconds. the salon lady did it funky so it was too long in the back so i looked much like a hick. so i decided to fix it at home. haha. these things never work out, as you keep cutting more and more to make it even. this time its not so bad, still uneven but tolerable. and much better than when i first walked out of the salon. im sure everyone cares a whole bunch about my hair (yeah right) so i'll stop right now.

atkins blah

2004-07-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

i thought this expressed my feelings on the stupid diet fad well. click it if you cant read it

2004-07-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

my portrait. kinda blurry

taxicab

2004-07-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

i think i spent roughly and hour and a half in the car toting my sissy. i really shouldnt complain about this as much as i am. its like im earning my keep. ugh, what a bum.

wow. i have nothing to say. i thought i did. i havent been up to much that is different, just cleaning and trying to entertain myself. but im sick of all that. i just worry about petty things, like how blockbuster has all of '24' season one except the 5th disc. 1,2,3,4 and 6. what the heck? my life is too unstructured and poorly thought out.

no surprises

2004-07-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

man, i miss talking to friends. i guess after this weekend it just seems like ive not talked to any of you in a long time.

i really hate when i figure out whats gonna happen in something im watching. thats one of the worst feelings- missing that surprise element that you know youre supposed to get. at first it makes you feel kinda smart, like 'gee im good'. but then i realise its probably just bad writing and predictability. its especially bad when you end up watching for a long time, knowing youre right and having to wait for it. oh well. i'll get back to my 24 marathon.

im hungry.

congrats to sarah and joe

2004-07-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

so its done. my good friend from high school is now married. how weird. sure ive had about, hmm, 1 friend get married already. but thats different, i met her in college and she had been with the same guy since before i knew her. the two were always kind of one in my mind. who'd have thunk when i met sarah that she'd be married in only a few years?

the whole weekend was great. im still tired from it. a lot of firsts for me... first massage (relaxing, but still not my favorite thing), first manicure, first maid of honor, first champagne (you are wrong about this j, it was excellent), first wedding in PA.

not only did the wedding preparations, the wedding and the reception go smoothly, i made a couple new friends. the two friends of sarah's from the get together thursday night were helping out with everything before. nicole stayed with sarah and came to the hair and nail place and mike hung out the whole time because he was in charge of videography for a wedding dvd. they're such fun people. and amazing really. sarah knows how to pick them, or maybe just God is generous. its sad that they both live in l.a. though. soon sarah and joe are going to be in the bahamas. i should get some work done before they get back, get it out of the way.

it was such a nice day too. it only rained at 10pm, right when we were dropping off decorations at a house. when i got home, i tried really hard to read, play a game, do anything. all i could do was sleep. too much excitement. i didtn even take my hair down and wash it. that was way too much effort. it was an up-do with curls and TONS of hairpins. i think its definitely time for a haircut, the hairdresser told me so and i agree. i was waiting until after this wedding. and oh!! i forgot. sarah gave the three of us (me, mike, nicole) self-portraits that she painted. they are wonderful. im always amazed at what she can create. i'll post a picture of mine. she was going for an untraditional look, with some symbolization. unfortunately, im still on mom's computer and i dont have the ftp info/password. but soon... anyway. the need for a haircut is what reminded me of the portrait, where my hair is short. like it was in hs all those years. i miss it.

i saw a lot of examples of people going out of their way to help others out this weekend. it got me thinking about how i could change for the better. it seems i always think about this but never act on it. its good to be reminded.

30

2004-07-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

once again being a little social hasnt killed me. i always drag my feet to parties or get togethers but once i get there i cant make myself leave. now i just have to convince my mom that im almost 22 and can take care of myself =( sheesh. these overprotective parents.

i need to learn to be more social. tara is always on my case about my reclusive habits. im not so good with groups of people and meeting new people. but tonite, for instance, i met one of sarah's good friends from cali and liked her alot. i never expect that i'll like new people but i just need to have more faith that there are still interesting people out there that i havent met yet. seems very simple i know. but sometimes i need to be beaten over the head to learn life's little quirks.
feel free to beat me over the head if you think it might be needed.

oh yes, i get a massage tomorrow!

lovely day

2004-07-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

i had some fun last night. went to sarah's and joe's and this time took leah along. i htink she had fun too. we watched a funny/strange movie - the triplets of bellville. its an animated french flick. very cool. it has some good music and funny characters. not your typical cartoon at all.

oh boy. sarah and joe are getting married in two days. wierd but joyous. im glad they arent moving far away, but actually closer =) this is a change. i have a few friends with marriage on the horizon. im getting old.

one more thing.. go to ashley's blog and see the photos of the glass toilet. its really amazing.

something to read

2004-07-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

i looked at my counter and saw i had more than 300 views. then i felt bad about the lack of new content. so even though i dont have much to say, here you go.

my laptop wireless card went kaput. no idea why. it took me soo long just to get it working in the first place and now its back to the not working state. infuriating really. so ive been not on quite as much, as it requires me to go upstairs and use mom's supercomputer. dont get me wrong. its not a bad experience. i just gotta fight for it now.
im still using my computer as my dvd player though. so its not getting too dusty.

im still keeping busy with blockbuster movie pass. i decided to start watching 24. only i got the 2nd season on accident. so i watched the first four episodes without realizing that. the dvd case said "season 2-disc 1" and seeing that amongst all the other title info i got confused. see, i thought it was saying 2-disc.

so thats more of my boring life.

zelda is a thing i love

2004-07-12T17:23:00.000-07:00

lah dee da. ive been doing not much but play zelda for the past 3 days. pathetic. thats right, those of you who know me know this is true. it is a fun game though. i got this boat (ive always wanted to learn to sail) and i got a baton for conducting (dont i make you proud tara- oh, i will pay you back) and i just got the bow and arrow. what more could i ask for? i forgot just how fun it was to play through these games for the first time. i love it and stay up way too late playing. not too hard, but sometimes you gotta think about the next step for awhile. i dotn think i ever had to look at those gay hint books. woo hoo!
too bad all good things come to an end.

things i love:
hot showers (any time of the year)
fog
snow
video games
code red mt dew
night
clean hair at night

i was just inspired today to list these things (this isnt all, just what i could think of) so as not to forget and take them for granted.

__________________

2004-07-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

im home finally. the 8 hour drive from indy wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. i didnt have to leave too early and got home before dark. its nice to be able to see the mountains. i remember driving home for breaks after my last classes. we wouldnt start until after 5 and most of the driving was in the dark. dats boring.

i am still very tired and have been since i got back. wednesday was spent in baltimore all day. we went to the aquarium and inner harbor. thats all good and fun but tiring. and i didnt particularly want to be in the car for an hour and a half at a time after that long drive home. i love just watching the fish swim. they should make aquariums for adults that are less crowded (no throngs of kids smashed up against the glass) and have nice couches in front of the tanks. hmm, maybe i should just get a good sized aquarium for my living room.

my mom asked me today what i wanted for my birthday. and can you imagine, i could only think of video games at the time? im pathetic. i gotta do some brainstorming. or just say nothing. i need nothing that i know of. no need to get spoiled.

i have a new project. i bought the original piano music for rhapsody in blue by gershwin. i am going to learn it. i figure this will take me at least a year, judging by how often i practice and by how my first sightreading went. i love the piece so much though and even if it takes me years i want to be able to play it.

so here are some pictures of my trip since i havent posted any in awhile.

ha. fooled you. you thought my photos were gonna be interesting and full of people. well too bad. i didnt remember my camera until the boring ride back.

firecrackers suck

2004-07-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

im at my sister's right now and all i can hear are idiots setting off firecrackers in their yard. i dont get it. well i guess i do. everyone has a bit of a pyromaniac in them. i used to burn leaves and wax in a coffee can and i know some guys who get a thrill from throwing aerosol cans into a campfire. but still. this is obnoxious and needs to be stopped. maybe thats the reason they are banned in so many states. the noise.

its funny because i used to hate regular big fireworks with a passion. you know those screaming kids holding their ears and ruining the fireworks for the rest of the family? that was me. i would sit all by myself in the car until they were over. but i got to see some friday night and it was pretty cool. i started thinking about how neat it would be to be the ones who made them and set them off. now that'd be fun. this was after a baseball game and we had to wait a half hour for them to start as the arena officials ushered lots of spectators away from their seats in the section directly under where the fireworks were to be shot. apparently they didnt clear out enough sections because about halfway into the show some burning pieces made it all the way to the ground before they went out and actually landed on someone! i always wondered if that could happen and im pretty sure someone got burned because i saw it land on them and bounce, then it went out. my worst fear as a child realized.

im having a great vacation, if you can call it that. i guess ive been on vacation since i graduated but this feels different because i get to see friends and travel. i spent a weekend with my ex-roomie beth and we had great fun as i illegally accompanied her at work. i drove 4 hours to michigan and had some fun there as well. it was nice of a couple friends, who otherwise i woudlnt see, to meet me there. now im in indy with tara. we saw the indian game in cincinnati with dave and went to some friends for a 4th dinner yesterday (saturday) and today moved washering machines around. i brought one up in my van and it had to be removed, by full grown men of course. i'll have none of that backbraking work.

couple more days and i'll be back at home back to teh same ol' same ol'. except this time i'll have my gamecube and the zelda game!! hopefully zelda will have arrived by tuesday. now where to get that memory card...

vacation's all i ever wanted

2004-06-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

its bed time. only 10:30 and im gonna be so tired. we're leaving at 4 am tomorrow because the church group we're going with wants to. im driving separately so i gotta get my sleep. dont think ive ever driven that early before. ive driven that late.

in other news, i got the gamecube and one game. so now i can play it till im sick of it or until i get zelda for cheaper than the 50 bucks it costs now. hershey park, which is a theme park with rollercoasters and the works (in case you thought there was just chocolate), was wonderful-- the weather and lines were great. i guess lack of lines is a better way to say it. we went through one of hte newer coasters about 4 times in probably a half hour. my legs hurt a great deal from that.

until i get back, adios

eventuality

2004-06-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

ahh. now i can relax. for a little bit at least. the surprise shower is done and went much better than i had imagined. im always thinking up the horrible ways these things could go wrong but fortunately it was good. it was actually a surprise, i surprised myself by this because i am a horrible liar and fabricator. there was plenty of food and just the right amount of people showed up. sarah enjoyed it, which was the point, so success!

im so tired from today. cleaned since i got up until the party and then entertained. then joe, sarah and i watched schizopolus. weird movie. but funny. now its time for an early sleep because i gotta get up early. going to hershey park with my lil sis and we gotsta leave early. i hope im awake and energetic enough for this hot, standing in lines, theme park kind of day where im sure leah wont want to leave until closing. woo hoo!! too much excitement for me. leah and i will have a great time. i couldnt ask for a better sister (except maybe one that remembers to close the basement door so i dont run into it). i dont have to worry about anything anymore except finding the park ok. then we go and buy a gamecube, play for a day and then its midwest trip time. hope that goes ok and i dont outstay my welcome. i can always sleep in my van if so.

my house has never been so clean. nite nite.

luck be a lady tonite

2004-06-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

this is lame. i cant do 9 more posts. especially when im half convinced its all for naught. im sure its a random offer, not based on how many posts you do. curse my luck. this happens often to me. getting passed up with the really good offers. i was almost certain i could get the beta warcraft cuz i was a girl and surely they needed all types of testers =) nope. its not to be. ive spent a lot of time trying to think of just when it was that i used all my luck. assuming that one has an alloted portion of luck during their lifetime. maybe my time hasnt come yet. i just gotta be patient and i'll win something big.

oh and since beth came back and left one more time, i win by forfeit on her part.

the winner

2004-06-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

so im not so great at literati. im losing badly. but my theme was awesome there for awhile. oh wait, news just in. my opponent left. haha and i was down by half her points. beth, this is what you get when you mess with me.

the first of 11

2004-06-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

my job tonite is to post many more times in order to obtain something that i think i can get if im around 30 posts. of course this is probably retarded. im sure its random. but i want a freakin beta of gmail. it will solve all my problems. no more worry about my itty bitty space at hotmail that is quickily filling up because i hate erasing mail.

also, im playing literati on yahoo with beth and i am awesome at this. my first game and i got 3 pretty good words that surprisingly, and i didnt notice this until after the fact, have a theme to them. 'strong', 'bikers', and 'torsos'. hilarious! maybe amanda, my biggest fan, is rubbing off on me? you seem like the biker babe type manda =)

so next week i'll hopefully be making my rounds in the midwest. i hope to see a lot of people in a week and a half, hope i can get it all done.

aloha

2004-06-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

my latest dreams for my immediate future have a lot to do with hawaii. i was talking to emily on the phone and she asked me how hawaii was looking for my family and i. i had almost forgotten about it because it got pushed back. awhile ago my parents told me my dad (who goes on a lot of business trips that last weeks sometimes) might get to go work in hawaii for a year or so. because the gov't likes to waste money and luxuriously provide, he woudl be paid as if it were a shorter trip... as i understand it, instead of getting paid a yearly salary he gets paid for each night's hotel and food. this leaves extra and would mean my family could come out and get an apartment. its like a year of vacation. of course i would still have the problem of being further from my friends and feeling bored and useless. but at least i could bribe my friends to visit me. lets face it, wouldnt you be more likely to visit a friend living in hawaii than in pennsylvania? sure its a little more expensive but you wouldnt have to pay a hotel and what a vacation!

originally all this was supposed to happen this summer. i didtn feel too bad about this all if it happened directly after graduation, but now its being pushed back to next year, spring or summer. its almost for sure it will happen eventually but i may not be around =/ i dont really want to stick around not furthering myself and living at home for a year just to go to hawaii. but i dont want to start something and not be able to quit to go with them. it seems like a great opportunity. i had kinda dismissed the whole plan until i remembered that i could possibly work on my masters. the university of hawaii is near where we would be staying, i think. and they have masters programs for linguistics. if i could do that, at least i would keep myself occupied. and until we left, i coudl get a job here and pay off some of my massive debt ive incurred.

this is all speculation still. i have a couple months to think about it and do more research. i have no idea how much that school would cost or if i could get in, but its worth some thought. like i said, its a 'dream' so far.

to change the subject, its 56 degrees outside. this sudden change of temperature every few days is annoying. which reminds me, i just watched the day after tomorrow, which i enjoyed. it was great looking and it was interesting, if not entirely believable. oh the irony of the u.s. emigrating to mexico. as my grandfather said, the environmentalist must have been pleased with the movie. i cant get over how amazing the eyes of the mega-storms looked. i think the movie was made by the same guy that made independence day, which i enjoyed at the time. that was one of my first movies that i bought for myself.

isaac jaffe

2004-06-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

i miss that guy a lot. he and dan rydell, even casey to some degree. but mostly just the first two. ah sports night. get your hands on the series is you have no idea about what i am talking, and if you do, watch it again for good measure. i'd borrow it from a friend, but alas i dont live in the same region as most =(

i am reminded of him because i saw him appear on the movie big fish. funny movie by the way. i like tim burton and most of his films a lot. and he's back working with music writer danny elfman. great music.

more later i suppose.

clean folk in kentucky

2004-06-17T23:43:00.000-07:00

so i happened on this awhile ago. i find it funny and wanted to tease a friend who lives in kentucky. i forgot about it until i found it today while spending hours cleaning my room.

oh and feel free to leave a stupid little comment at least once if youre reading my gaylog. anytime, not just this one. those of you who have fallen into this kind of thing know what im talking about, even a couple comments are extremely encouraging. they make us want to write more interesting things for you to read. if entertainment is what youre going for.

oh yeah, i accidently deleted my post before this. something about batteries being included in things you buy nowadays. i cant remember what it said... sorry about that. there were some good comments.

so far, so bad

2004-06-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

this new video editing may be harder than i thought. it was going alright until i stopped being able to hear sound on my clips. too bad. i had some funny moments of futurama and family guy ready to convert to mp2 (i think). this may have something to do with my watching tv while trying to edit =) i couldnt help it. havent watched adult swim in so very long. i'll have to read up more about what im doing before messing with anything important. i also need to figure out how to not use a Gb for a few second clip (i might be exaggerating a bit).

maybe i can get that family guy scene again. it was the one where they inherit a house from lois' rich aunt and stewie commands a butler to cut his milk. whoo... crack me up.

the wave of the future

2004-06-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

so for once i am pretty darned envious of my parents and their advanced technology. normally my mother fills her computer full of so many programs and whatnot that it quits working prematurely. i cant stand using it for more than 5 seconds, not even to check my mail. but this computer is different, or it could just be that they havent had it long enough to bog it down.

anyway, we discovered today how one can watch cable tv on the computer, while still connected to the internet. not only this, but we can record tv programs and videos to dvd through the computer! this may not be new for any of you readers but i sure am impressed. ive heard of this but never dreamed that we would be in possession of such technology. so this neat toy is mine to play with because my parents cant figure it out for themselves! woo hoo! lucky me. now if i can get back into any of the tv programs i once watched... i find it hard to watch anything since ive gotten used to not watching tv at college. i had no time nor the resources to watch much of anything. hmm. cartoons are always good. i can get some good screen captures too. ah this will be delightful =)

in sickness and in gaming

2004-06-14T14:53:00.000-07:00

colds are no fun. especially in the summer when its hot. especially when i dont have school ever again. especially when i have plans to go to a friend's. they always go straight to my lungs after a day or so. yucky. i like being able to breathe.

i'd put a poll on here if i could. but i dont know if its possible and i'm not messing with anything complicated. anyway, i know what most people will say, and have already said to me about this. i think i'm getting a gamecube. i know i have too many video games already, but no recent ones. we need to get rid of the playstation and sega genesis. but ive wanted a gamecube since they came out. this is how my video game purchases always are. i never get anything when it first comes out. always wait until they are cheaper. thats how it was with the n64 and we still play that daily. so i dotn think it will be a waste of money. and those of you that tell me there are no good games for the gamecube, there are enough for us. the main draw for me is the new zelda game, and i hear that another will be coming out next year. there are plenty of multiplayer games that my sister will play with me too. so if anyone wants to make suggestions of good games, please do.

hmm, i think im gonna go play the n64 zeldas right now. best games ever.

mi nicaraguita

2004-06-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

do you ever notice how just when you really need to mail something, those in charge decide that everyone should take the day off and mourn? argh. when i die, the whole postal system will not shut down for a day. its not fair, and it makes my mail late.

reagan could be my least favorite president. i dont know all the details but from what ive heard about and seen in nicaragua, his actions are shameful. but im not going into politics. as i said, i know too little to make judgements, although it just doesnt seem right.

wow. memories are brought back en masse by these pics from nicaragua. beautiful country.

sigh. the more i think about central america, the more i want to go back. i really miss so much about it. the weather, the scenery, the people, the language, especiallly the food =)

ive been thinking about where i want to go, while i want to see the rest of the world it really doesnt make sense for me not to go back, at least for awhile.

anyway, if you like these pics i'll have more later.